My New Favorite Bloggess

or clown sex is terrifying, but funny in the proper hands (that's what she said)

Okay, so one of the fun things about Twitter is the sharing of links. Thanks to Kevin Pollak--yes, comedian/actor/William Shatner impersonator extraordinaire Kevin Pollak-- I am now hooked on one of the funniest bloggers next to Hey Lola!

May I introduce to you, Jenny thebloggess.com. She's middle aged, married, with a child, a Pug named Barnaby Jones Pickles and she is hysterical!! Prepare to be amused.

My maiden voyage down Bloggess Boulevard involves her righteous indignation at being blocked on Twitter by William Shatner. I kid you not. Captain Kirk put the breaks on our gal, spurring an actual interweb feud.

Oh, it's on.

Apparently she over tweeted him after an evening consuming a tad too much vino. She innocently stated something about inviting him to come to dinner in an attempt to save her marriage which then deteriorated to her talking about supplying him with a hooker.

See, further evidence real friends shouldn't let friends Tweet drunk. Otherwise said friend might suffer the Wrath of a Khanless Kirk. The Prince of Priceline apparently did not take kindly to the persistence of the Bloggess, no matter how well meaninged her intentions. Defense from the Twitterverse was fast and furious. Anywho, you can read the hilarious exchange here.

Her follow up posting questions Ole Bill's need to mock her by posting this tweet:

The gloves are definitely off now. Ha Ha Ha!! You can read her response here. P.S.: I still love Bill, feud or no.

Jenny is a busy gal. Not only does she blog about all-things-William Shatner, she writes for the Houston Chronicle on Good Mom/Bad Mom, shares her unique perspective on an advice blog (not to be heeded) and pens a "satirical sex column" whose tag line is Sex is funny. Except clown sex. That's fucking terrifying.

Her first post... "Clown porn is not as funny as you think it's going to be".

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I hate clowns, but after reading this (and catching my breath from riotus laughter) I was hooked. Seriously. If I had a mouthful of liquid, it would totally have sprayed out of my mouth...she's that funny. Do yourself a favor and read this... then just keep reading.

Other notable essays:

"An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON'T want to have sex with"

"Warning: Some penises are actually a combination of penises and testicles. I call them 'Penisticles'"

"The Bloggess: Porn for the Blind"

So, thank you Kevin Pollak for the heads up. You're.... my.. hero.

Dear John: Long Time No See

or revisiting an old, dear internet friend

Okay, so lately I've been wasting ...er, spending an inordinate amount of time discovering a number of interesting websites & blogs via different sites. And by "different sites", I mean Twitter: the Mother-of-all-time-suck that actually enables one to stumble on cool stuff and interesting articles or groovy videos or best-of lists or other random crap you didn't know you were interested in until someone tweeted it and you feel compelled to click on it because, you know, that person actually took the time to cut and paste the address and it would be rude if you didn't at least take a fleeting glimpse at it and.. Good God!?! how is it I have been sitting here at the computer for three hours in my PJs and bed-head hair when I was only going to take 15 minutes to check email?!?

Yeah. That Twitter.

Anywho, during my internet incarceration, I've neglected to keep up with one of my favorite YouTube bloggers, the one and only young adult author John Green. (His tomes are great reads, especially "An Abundance of Katherines". Go buy it.) John is a quick-witted, literate and extremely charming self-proclaimed Nerd. He also has a tendancy to run his hands through his hair when he's upset or nervous, causing a puff factor which has at times reached as high as four inches.

He and his brother, Hank started a video project over two years ago on YouTube in an attempt to get to know one another better. They have successfully created a devout virtual Nerdfighteria empire complete with over 100,000 followers. They now have a music label, sell tons of merchandise and inspire thousands to volunteer and do good works to help reduce world suck. They're really sweet, noble guys. I wrote about them here. Their meteoric internet rise is pretty incredible. Almost as incredible as his crazy-ass coiffure.

Seriously. Look at that thing. It's HUGE! It's so spacious I think there's a family of migrant workers homesteading in the clearing of that Green Forest.

Today I got a chance to catch up on his videos from the last few months. I'd forgotten how much I missed his humor and unique take on the world. Watching his antics again is like eating a big bowl of comfort food on a cold, winter night or slipping into my favorite pair of jeans.

Here are some of the highlights from today's viewing. The brothers Green created an online game named "Truth or Fail". Here's John's entertaining contribution.



One of their very early videos discussed the endless humor of placing the phrase "in your pants" after book titles like "The Unbearable Lightness of Being ...In Your Pants". This also works well when paired with fortune cookie fortunes. As Seinfeld's Banya would say, "That gold, Jerry! Gold!"



He regularly answers viewers questions onTuesdays...known as "Question Tuesdays"



And, of course, he eats weird, disgusting food stuffs like fat sandwiches as punishment for our enjoyment...off of Fiesta Ware, no less.



Yeah. I've missed you John Green.

Friday Photo #29

Okay, so a couple of weeks ago Geo and I were heading into town to attend a swanky soiree in the Cultural District. We drove out of the Ft. Pitt Tunnels (the most awesome city approach EVAH!) and .. Viola! are treated to a full-on rainbow arcing above our city.

Sadly, no lucky leprechaun was guarding his gold nuggets at the end of said rainbow, but there was a colorful crazy donning a foil hat, size 13 red pumps and feather boa diddling on his penny whistle... He was also playing a recorder.

Hey-OOOO!! Badda Bing! I'm back, BABY!!

Sometimes I Make Life So Hard...

Okay, so I was cleaning up one of the many piles of crap in our bedroom (I know. Crazy isn't it. Me...cleaning!) when I came across a large stack of greeting cards I'd received for various numbered birthdays and anniversaries.

I have friends with well-honed senses of humor. Honestly they would not be my friends otherwise. It was great fun sifting through this plethora of paper. It's funny what people associate you with. Drinking in abundance, be it wine or margaritas, is a big theme amongst numerous birthday greetings, as well as my love for acquiring footwear. Apparently when my birthday roles around each year, my family and friends share this philosophy: Marie + birthday = booze and shoes. Oh and let's not forget the delightful double entendre, 12-year-old boy humor.

Yes. My friends know me very well.

My bud, Jude's cards always make me laugh and cry. She writes such straight-from-the-heart, sincere sentiments. Sweet and genuine "I love you, Man" moments. Beets and Suzette fluctuate between full-on absurdity and heartfelt, with a side of sarcasm.

Howard however wins the trophy for most outrageous, off-the-wall greetings. Here's a sampling:

"I looked on the Internet to find a present for you. But all I found was porn for me."

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to North Carolina. Please return your hair to its full, upright position."

"They loved their husbands, and everyone elses, too. For they were whores."

Ha Ha Ha!!

I've been able to weed out a lot of these missives, but there remains a sizable stack with which I cannot part, the majority being various greetings from the love of my life, Geo.

They are beautiful cards filled with declarations of love and devotion. Expressions of how blessed he feels to have found me. How happy and full his life is now we're together. Of walking down life's path, hand-in-hand, growing old and grey together (Okay. I'll still be a redhead).

I teared up the day I received these lovely notes. This morning they made me well up again, but for a different reason. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of sadness. Geo and I have been having a difficult time of late. The conflict stems from me. I have not been holding up my end of the relationship bargain very well lately. And by lately I mean the last six months or so. I've developed interests which have taken away precious time from our already limited day-to-day interactions. And he's angry about it. Rightly so since the time is being wasted in completely stupid and trivial ways.

For someone who yaps a lot...a LOT, I don't know how to do this communication thing very well. I don't know how to really, truly verbalize what's in my heart. I don't know what to say to convince him he is the center of my world. I am woefully inadequate when it comes to speaking about what really matters. And my actions of late are pretty unconvincing.

I don't want to fuck up my marriage. Perhaps it's time I see a therapist. For real.

Finding Geo has been the biggest blessing in my life. I don't want to lose him. He asked me why I stay with him. It's pretty simple really. He's my heart, my soul, my true North. The one who makes me laugh. The one who good naturedly executes my hair-brained schemes. The one who gives me strength and confidence to face the world. The one whose hugs heal my soul. The one person on earth who is completely and brutally honest with me, yet somehow never loses faith in me. He is my constant. He makes me want to be a better person. I'd be lost without him.

*sniff*

I hope he can forgive me. The disappointment in his eyes crushes me. He deserves a better wife.

"Do Not Follow the Ideas of Others, but learn to--Oh, I'm sorry. I need to take this call.."

or peace and harmony in the modern world

Okay, so today on our little local dog and pony morning show, we had an honest-to-goodness Buddhist Monk as a guest. He was really, REALLY cool. Calming voice, welcoming demeanor, embracing all things spiritual and corporeal without prejudice or judgement.

He came to the station dressed in his beautifully flowing orange monk's robe, signature shining bald Buddhist head and... his iPhone.

Wha?!?

Yeah. He had an iPhone. A Buddhist Monk... purveyor of peace and harmony... teacher of compassion and wisdom... gentle guide to being one with the universe...

Has an iPHONE!!?!

I don't know if it is Karma sanctioned, but I think it had an app for navigating through his past lives. Can't you just hear the commercial now:

"Say you need the quickest route to enlightenment. Yeah. We got an App for that."

"Whaddup, Dog?"

Quack Quack Quack!!

or a bonding afternoon on the three rivers

Okay, so one of the perks of working for a television station is sometimes you get free stuff. Guests will bring in samples of their wares to share, chefs cook up a plethora of delightfully tasty fare and sometimes we get a free ride.

Literally.

Today was one such day. As a thank you for being a part of our little dog and pony morning show, the Just Ducky tour boat picked us up outside our door and compted us a spin around ye olde Burgh on land and sea... okay not the sea per se, but the river. Sheesh! Don't be such a douche.

Ducky boats are throw backs to World War II. They are combo aquatic/land vehicles built by the women left behind during the 40s. Their purpose was to transport supplies, ammo and in some cases actual aircraft to the front lines--slowly... very slowly... like we're talking only 5 mph max. Being as they were expected to be riddled with bullets in war zones, the life expectancy of each brave little vessel was only 90 days.

Some 65+ years later, all spit-shined and brightly painted, they proudly march on as a tourist attraction in numerous cities. I took a similar tour in Boston a couple of years ago. They're so cute.

Wackiness is the order of the day on a Ducky tour. Both the official tour guide (Kevin) and driver/sailor (um...let's call him Roberto. sure.) tell the tale of the city's history, sprinkled with the most God-awful puns and corn ball jokes you could imagine. Everyone is required to "Quack Quack Quack" as loudly and obnoxiously as possible to strangers on the streets and shorelines.

It sounds really gay, but it is surprisingly F.U.N.!

The grooviest thing is launching in the water. Dude! You actually DRIVE INTO the water. It's the coolest thing. Seriously. This ancient water craft defies scientific logic and actually stays afloat.

Usually there are loads of kids on board and the Captain brings them all up front to steer the boat once we hit water. Being a boat load of so-called adults, Kevin had to beg for volunteers to steer. NOT!! You would not believe how quickly the hands went up. We were all "Ooo Ooo. Pick me!! Pick me!"

Alas only five would be chosen, my bud Beets being one. She was last in line and pretended to be from Ireland. It was a hoot!

It was a gorgeous, albeit bloody humid day (the first of this summer), but their was a cool breeze wafting. A great opportunity to see our fair city from water level.

The only nasty thing we encountered was the river itself.

Pretty, isn't it? There is some nasty, nasty crap floating in that water. We used to encounter all sorts of questionable things when I rowed in the summers. Fortunately, none were bodies or parts.

Okay that shirtless Dude doesn't count. Or does he? Yow!

All in all it was a great way to bond with colleagues from the dreaded "shift of the damned" and a perfect opportunity to say goodbye to one of the best group of interns we've had in a long time.

A big shout out of thanks to the Just Ducky tour folks for their generosity. The entertainment was all it's "quacked" up to be.

*groan*

Sorry. You know I had to go there.

The Real Culprit Behind The Twitter Shutdown...

The secret Twitters of Doctor Doom!

BAH! Doom's iPod stuck on "I'm Walking On Sunshine . . ." AGAIN!

about 2 days ago from Twitterriffic

That song's enough to make anyone want to blow up something. Thanks to my pal, Gary for fleshing this out.