Almost Friday Photo #1

WTF?!??

What fresh Christmas Hell is this?

Now this is the stuff of nightmares... and years and years and years of therapy. This little girl is destined to grow up to write a scathing tell-all about her wretched, boozy-floozy Mom and her diabolical plan to splinter her delicate psyche.

Seriously. Trailer Trash Barbie Mom... What were you thinking?! Did you not register the uber creepy factor of this Fright Night Santa? Was there no ICK factor red flag raised at the sight of his frightening forehead, because this cat would have sent me into convulsions. EWwwwwwww!! *shudder*

No shit.

He's just one step away from being a Killer Klown from Outer Space, and you all know how I feel about clowns spelled with a "c" or "k". PLUS he's wearing I-don't-want-to-leave-any-incriminating-prints-behind-while-I-chloroform-your-kid-and-stuff-her-in-my-white-panel-van gloves.

Good God, man! Who lets her little precious sit on the lap of this freak show.

But on the other hand, baby girl there looks pretty happy. So what do I know.

Happy Christmas y'all. May your day be freak-show free!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

or it must be Holiday Hootenanny time!!!

Okay, so people who say Public radio is boring are out of their flipping heads! We in Pittsburgh are blessed with THE BEST public station on earth.. 91.3 WYEP (www.wyep.org)

They play anything and everything (except gangsta rap and like, Lady Ga Ga crap thankyouverymuch). In one hour you could hear such new upstarts as Vampire Weekend, Fanfarlo, Bell X1 played next to old standards like Levon Helm, Bruce Springsteen, The Cure next to reggae-inspired Michael Franti and K'Naan. The set lists are inspired and inspiring. Their mission statement is "Where the Music Matters". No truer words were ever uttered by a company. This station is a life line to all of us who crave exposure to new artists, singer songwriters, world beat...pretty much any music that isn't cookie cutter, boy band, bubble gum pop. AND...it's blissfully commercial free. They stream live on their website. I encourage everyone to try it out. I promise you won't settle for anything else.

That said, for the last two years WYEP has put on a Christmas concert dubbed their Holiday Hootenanny. That evening worked wonders on my Bah Humbug, grumpiness last year which I wrote about here.

This year's Hootenanny was moved from the station's cozy but cramped studio to the much more lavish and spacious digs of the Pittsburgh Opera. The space accommodated over 400 festive folks.

It was phenomenal!!

The band, Silver and Gold, comprised of members from a number of local bands, kicked BUTT! They belted out such raucous greats as Springsteen's "Santa Claus is Coming To Town", Darlene Love's "Christmas, Baby Please Come Home" and a full on, rocking version of the Kinks "Father Christmas" as well as the quieter "Oh Holy Night", beautifully sung by the angelic Casey Corbin.

Anyone leaving this evening without the Christmas spirit firmly planted in their soul would have to have ice in their veins or be named Edward Cullen. (see what I did there? huh, huh... I worked in the whole popular, overused vampire thingie.)

This year my sister and I were accompanied by most of our Card Club gal pals. A fun time was had by all. And we all got to feel good about ourselves since the proceeds went to restock the local food bank. Double karma point score.

Here are some of the festive holiday tunes from the evening.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Last year Sara was pregnant...I mean REALLY pregnant. Really, REALLY preggers. Like the baby's arm was practically hanging out and waving to us. He was born two weeks later. Anywho, she and her husband Scott sang this last year. She was swilling a martini and he was smoking a stogie. A funny visual.

Moving on..

Snoopy and the Red Baron (Christmas Bells)

This diddy was sung by two brothers from Mars. As in Mars, Pennsylvania. Seriously. We have a town named Mars. We also have a township named Moon. Luckily, no town named Uranus. Nobody wants to live in Uranus. Come on... Who would live in Uranus?

*giggle* you said Ur-anus...

Oh! Oh! Check this out! At :27 in, the one brother totally grabs his bro's tat and gives it a honk! No shit! Some suspect brotherly love there, no? Perhaps that's how they roll on Mars. "Merry Christmas! Honk Honk!"

Merry Christmas, Baby (?)

Local singer extraordinaire, Ben Hardt belts out a bluesy tune I think is called "Merry Christmas, Baby". If not, too bad. That's what I'm calling it now.

And then Quentin Tarantino showed up and blew the roof off the joint with his rendition of The Kinks "Father Christmas":

Father Christmas (by special guest Quentin Tarantino)

This song alone puts me in the proper Christmas frame of mind. Love those Kinks!!

There are a couple more songs posted on my YouTube site: "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", "Blue Christmas" and The Pogues' "Fairytale of NY"--which coincidentally the lovely blue-eyed one sang with TV's Jill Hennessy at a bookstore concert we attended on vacation.

*le sigh*

Oh, you know that'll show up on a future posting. Be patient, my lovelies or at least be forewarned.

Anywho, I know I won't be back here before Friday because I'll be hip-deep in muck and mire preparing for the family soiree, so I would like to take this opportunity to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa or maybe just a Happy Friday, if you are so inclined.

In any case, may your day be filled with abundant love, laughter and loads of libation... Because sometimes it's the only way to get through family functions. I realize not everyone is as lucky as me.

Cheers!!

Help! I've Fallen (Into A Vortex Of Time Suck) And I Can't Get Up!
or when did the days shorten to 12 hours?!?

Okay, so WTF!?!

So much happened on our vacation which I'd like to share with all two of you, but I seem to have stumbled into some sort of Holiday Season Sinkhole (I said "hole") without a safety rope and have absolutely no substantial length of time in which to copiously write the mind blowing (aka, boring) details.

I'm still struggling to find time to export all the frelling.. er, I mean outstanding videos from our five concerts shot during one of the greatest vacations EVAH.

Y'all get that I'm a fan of hyperbole, right? So, yeah it's probably best to take what I say with a grain of salt. Don't rely on my disjointed ramblings to help you get off the extra Christmas meds. Speaking of meds, I could use one or ten about now. I'm slipping into my own Festivus frenzy, and may harm a garden gnome if I don't at least get a tall boy going here soon.

But seriously, entertaining things happened on vacation, but at this rate I'm afraid my peepee, bullet-hole riddled, peri-menopausal mind won't be able to remember the events. Details are already starting to fade. Plus, it's our turn to host the family Christmas Eve party, but the house is a nightmare of crap piles which are waxing instead of waning, there are parties and socials up the yin yang and then there's the whole "work" thing... I know daylight is getting shorter, but when did the actual 24 hour day get trimmed back by half?

AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!??!?!?!?!!!!

Okay, I feel a little better now. They're family and friends so they'll understand the mess, right? As long as we have the liquor cabinet stocked--Crap!! Now I have to fight the crowds at the State Store to load up on hooch. Son of a Bey-atch!

Anyway, this was supposed to be a small post explaining my absence, but I obviously got lost and turned the corner onto Bitch Fest Lane. Sorry. Clearly I need Felicity's help even in my mental travels.

Bottom line is ... once the madness is over, I got some tales to tell, y'all.

In Which I Share How I Really Feel About Winter...

Okay, so every December Geo and I trek across our big-assed state, headed for Jersey to visit with family and basically gad about the Big Apple to soak up the energy, ambience and ... uh, aromas of the greatest city in these United States. Last week was that week.

A great time was had by all. And by "all" I mean Geo and me, because I can't speak for anyone else really, even though I think all involved had a blast... well maybe not a "blast" per se, but a good time socializing and hanging. We saw concerts, shopped, ate, drank.. and did something I'm honestly a little embarrassed about that I will never tell you. EVER. Not even if I'm drunk. Let's just say afterwards I felt the need to visit the local distillery to sample whiskeys. And I HATE whiskey (which was confirmed by the tastings, by the way). My family made me do it (and I love them for it).

Moving on...

So we go to leave from my brother's place in the upper Hudson Valley when it starts to snow. Big flakes. Big, fluffy, stick-to-every-living-thing-on-Earth like roads, cars, eyelashes, road signs, thick-necked locals named Gunther, flakes.

We head off, get about 50 miles down the interstate and...

SCREETCH!!!

Dead stop.

Now there's kind of a mix of snow/sleet. Obviously an accident is being cleared up ahead. We wait... and wait... and wait.... and then decide to jump off at the random exit figuring Felicity, our English GPS girlie-girl, will guide us.

"Recalculating..."

We get to the next entrance to 287 and are greeted with a police barricade which forces us in yet another direction. *sigh*

"Recalculating..."

She does... right into another closed, accident-strewn road. *Grrrrrrrr*

"Recalculating..."

Now it's freezing rain, and we are Lord knows where in the northern mountainous region of Jersey trying not to slide head first into a ditch or McMansion. The good news is, as we go further south, the temperature is warming--slightly. The bad news is we can't seem to get the f*ck out of this f*cking town and back onto f*cking 287!

Now it's pouring rain.

"Recalculate this", you over-educated, snotty-nosed, pretentious Satellite Sister and get us the HELL HOME!!?!

But wait... Up ahead... can it be? Is it... an open entrance to *gulp* 287?!? Hallelujah Hollywood!! Hot Damn! We may actually get home before April.

So let's review, shall we:

We travelled through snow, sleet, freezing rain, ice and pouring rain over a three hour period and drove roughly 82 miles. Oh and let's not forget the cherry on the sundae--dense fog later on in our journey. Yea! Literally every conceivable winter weather event, condensed like a Reader's Digest Satanic Sampler, played out over the course of an afternoon in our little quest for home.

If I ever meet this Old Man Winter, I am going to kick him square in the nut sack with the pointiest of pointy shoes.

I hate winter already...

MMMMMMM... PIE

or Yes. They're real...and they are SPECTACULAR!

Okay, so every year at Thanksgiving I am asked, nay required, to bake two homemade lemon meringue pies for mass consumption at Big Mar's holiday table.

It's not that hard--that's what she said! You, too can wow your drunken, lame-ass family and friends. Fire up your printer, because I'm about to blow your mind by sharing our top-secret, passed from one generation to none, Luscious Lemon Pie recipe:

Lemon Meringue Pie

1 bottle of chilled Pinot Grigio or frozen bottle of Limoncello

4 Eggs

¼ Cup Cornstarch

1/8 Teaspoon Salt

1 ½ Cup Sugar

¼ Cup Flour

1 ½ Cup Boiling Water

2 Tablespoons Butter

½ - ¾ Cup Lemon Juice

2 Teaspoons Lemon Peel

First things first, one must always be in the proper frame of mind when one is cooking or baking. This is key if your culinary treat is to come out at all edible. Ergo:

1. Load up your CD player with your favorite tunes of the moment. Crank it up to eleven or just until your ears start to bleed.

2. Uncork the wine or Limoncello. Pour a healthy glass full. Consume. Repeat as needed.

Ready?

Bake pie crust as directed on package, unless you're a Martha Stewart wanna be and just HAVE to make your own crust, then you're on your own. Show off.

Separate eggs (they're notorious for not getting along), squeeze juice. (I said squeeze JUICE, not Judy! Sheesh!) In a non-stick pot, mix together sugar, cornstarch, flour and salt over medium high heat. Stir in boiling water gradually. Cook over direct heat, stirring constantly until thickened.

Refill your wine glass. Consume.

Beat yolks slightly (they don't seem to mind. eggs are kinda kinky that way) and stir in at least 1/2 of the hot mixture. (I usually only put about two spoonfuls in the egg yolk mixture because seriously, whose going to do this step. Really. I know, I know. This is so the yokes don't get all scrambly in the hot, sugary ooze. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever.)

Add yolks, juice, peel and butter. (I usually pour less than half of the juice in at first, then gradually add more as it is cooking. because honestly, sometimes there's just too much juice--That's what she said!!) Continue to cook, stirring until it is clear and thick. Add to cooled pie crust.

Time to Mering-gay, Baby!

Egg whites from the four eggs above (a reminder just in case you've been hitting Step 2 listed above an extra time or three and forgot)

1/4 tsp Cream of Tartar (whatever the hell that is. Really. What the heck is that? Tartar is, like plaque, isn't it? WTF?!? Who wants plaque in pie? Uh...you do, round eye.)

1/4 tsp of vanilla extract

8 tbsp of sugar

Beat egg whites (Holy Crap! ova are apparently the masochists of the food world) and the mysterious Cream of Tartar in your fabulous Kitchen Aid mixer.

Oh. You don't have one. So sad for you, Loser. You'll be working that hand mixer while the rest of us Kitchen Aid owners will have our hands free to refill and enjoy another lovely chilled glass of vino, chat on the phone and flip through a magazine while the mixer works its magic.

Add sugar, one tablespoon at a time until stiff peaks form. Add vanilla. Real vanilla. Not that cheap imitation crap. Mix one last time to infuse the essence of the individual flavors into the delectable white, sugary cloud of confectionery awesomeness known as Meringue. Slather onto previously constructed pie.

Bake for 10-12 minutes in a 400 degree oven. Voila!!

That ought to keep the little bastards all sugared up and happy.

There you have it. Nothing left to do, but fill your glass of hootch, unbutton your pants, grab a fork and dig in. You've earned it.

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!!

Some People's Kids... Are AMAZING

Okay, so you know my dearly departed buddy, KJo? He's the one who abandoned us fellow Northerners and hi-tailed it South to nestle in the comforting clutch of the warm sun of a saucy little wench called Florida...AKA the Nation's wang...

But I'm not bitter

Anywho-he has two lovely little girls who bare his wife's likeness and his humor gene. His eldest, Peanut, has suffered from an incurable heart disease since birth. She has had countless open heart surgeries throughout her little, fragile life--including two pacemakers and an internal defibrillator. She comes face-to-face with her own mortality every day. Her prognosis is uncertain, yet she has endured all these life-sustaining medical intrusions with more strength and grace than most adults.

She never complains.

Last week her seventh grade writing assignment was to pen a poem entitled "I am..."

This tender tike apparently has never expressed how she feels about her physical dilemma. Until now. She is articulate, brave and hopeful. She is an inspiration. Her missive puts one's own life challenges in perspective.

After you read this, I'll be waiting with a Klennex for you at the other end.

I AM

I AM... A STRONG AND LOVED PERSON

I WONDER... HOW HEALTHY I WILL BE IN TEN YEARS

I HEAR... MY DEFIBRILLATOR CLICK WHEN I SIT QUIETLY

I SEE... MY SCARS WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR

I WANT... TO BE ABLE TO RUN A MILE LIKE EVERY OTHER KID

I AM... A STRONG AND LOVED PERSON

I PRETEND... THAT SOMETIMES I'M A NORMAL KID

I FEEL... PHYSICALLY TIRED SOMETIMES

I TOUCH... MANY LIVE'S WITH HOPE

I WORRY... ABOUT MY FUTURE

I CRY... WHEN I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH EVERYONE

I AM... A STRONG AND LOVED PERSON

I UNDERSTAND... THAT I HAVE LIMITS

I SAY... I CAN DO ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO

I DREAM... ABOUT LIFE WITHOUT HEART DISEASE

I TRY... TO BE A POSITIVE FACE TO HEART DISEASE

I HOPE... TO LIVE A LONG HEALTHY LIFE

I AM... A STRONG AND LOVED PERSON

Some people's kids, huh?

Tosh.0 Web Redemption-Home Shopping Fail

Seriously. You guys should watch this show!!

Okay, so comedian Daniel Tosh ain't right. Not at all. Not in the least. His show consists of him in front of a green screen trashing the freaks from YouTube. Talk about low budget.

I don't know that it could be any cheaper. But it never fails to make us laugh out loud.

One of the weekly staples is called Web Redemption. They find a video of someone being a complete and utter asshat, track the individual down and let them ... well, redeem themselves on national TV.

Last week's web redemption was something we'd all like to see...

Tosh.0	Thursdays at 10pm / 9c
Web Redemption - Home Shopping Fail
www.comedycentral.com
Web Redemption 2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction Demi Moore Picture

Who knew a pitch man's life was so dangerous. The entire episode is as Elaine Benis would say, "sponge worthy". Give it a go.

Now.

Really. Go on Comedy Central now and watch it.

What are you still doing here?

Oh for Pete's sake... here's the link, lazy ass. Tosh.O

You're welcome.