In Which I Realize Something About Myself

Okay, so Geo and I went to a family graduation party up North at his cousin's farm. It's a gorgeous, wide open expanse perched on the crest of a hill under a big sky overlooking a neighboring farm. Ken was an organic farmer long before it became all the rage. He took a leap of faith almost 20 years ago, quit his day job and devoted his life to agriculture. He and Kathy grow gobs of produce and harvest eggs from their gazillion chickens... who really funked up the atmosphere around our Corn Hole challenge.

chicks taking in the Corn Hole contest
while simultaneously "fowling" up
the ozone (I know. groan)

Here's the thing, as much as I appreciate the simplistic beauty of bucolic life and am grateful to those who dedicate their lives to feeding others through their perpetual daily labor, I am and always shall be an urban suburbanite. I like the fact our neighbors are within reach. I like being able to walk to restaurants and shops. I like being ten minutes away from the city and all it's wonderful cultural amenities.

Visiting the family's pastoral homestead or Beets north 40 spread is like taking a welcomed mini respite to commune with nature, but after an afternoon I itch for my urban dwelling. Literally. My head itches from all the bugs and shit.

My name is Murray and I am a city girl through and through.

Late Late Night Shenanigans
or the irresistible silliness of Craig Ferguson

Okay, so let me just say how much I love Craig Ferguson. His sharp wit and completely irreverent sense of humor is right up my proverbial alley. And then there's his delicious Scottish brogue that makes the utterance of any off-color, dihrrrty words charming.

To me, one of the funniest things to watch is a performer succumbing to a completely ridiculous moment, breaking down into uncontrollable laughter. It's contagious and endearing and funny as hell. Mere mortals can't help but get swept up in its tide. My favorite moments in the Carol Burnet show were when Tim Conway finally made Harvey Corman break down in front of that live audience. Genius.
Back in May, Ferguson and his animatron sidekick, Geoff Peterson, had an unscripted encounter that left Ferguson crying from laughter within the first 20 minutes of the show. The first half of his show is some of the funniest, zaniest stuff on the boob tube, but it's on so late for me it may as well be broadcast on Mars. A friend at work shared this clip with me. Enjoy!



Geoff you magnificent mechanical bastard! It almost makes me wish I worked overnights. Almost. C'mon. I'm not that nuts, yo.

BALLS

Friday Video 
In Which Sometimes The Wisest Words Come From The Funniest People

Okay, so Conan O'Brien was chosen to present the commencement address to this year's graduating class of Dartmouth University. As expected, he dispensed heaps of humor, teased the President of the College by referring to him as "Stinky Pete" and took digs at Jay Leno.

What wasn't expected was the uncharted depth, dignity and profundity by which he concluded his remarks. His retelling of his journey over the last two turbulent years of his life and career is some of the best advice ever bestowed upon any graduates or human beings, for that matter.

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention."

"Whether you fear it (failure) or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment, you can gain clarity, and through clarity comes conviction and true originality."




"I'd like to end my address by breaking a taboo by quoting myself from 17 months ago. At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off I said work hard, be kind and amazing things will happen."

Sound advice for all of us.

Random Crap N'at 
or what the Hell, Eric?

Okay, so today has been a weird yin and yang sort of day. My morning started off with the most welcomed and unexpected of news... then it all went to shit. I went from euphoria to literal bloodshed in a matter of hours. Leading Yang by 3-1, Yin was kicking my bony ass all up and down the GD street.

F*cking bitch.

And for the record, I kinda resent the notion that Yin (negative) is female while Yang (positive) is male. What the hell is that shit about? Just another piece of misogynistic bull from a male dominated, backward society. I'm looking at you, China. You can shove that notion square up your butt while you're playing with your doodle.

Speaking of doodle players...

So long, Schlong!

Anthony Weiner has decided to beat it. After a lengthy amount of pressure, he released himself...of his duties. Puns most certainly intended. Henceforth some actual quotes from a press release:

Observers noted the decision had to have been extremely hard for Weiner...


House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), who had been among those trying to push Weiner out, declined to discuss him at her weekly news conference...


"if Mr. Weiner is resigning I think he ultimately handled it well..."

It's too bad he was such an asshat, because honestly he was a good Congressman. Alas, the hubris of powerful men is their ultimate downfall. Frankly, I shall miss all the Weiner talk.

one of the many suggested Post headlines

I can't wait to see the real headline in tomorrow's Post. Could it be "Weiner OUT!"

Vancouver, what the ef?!?

So the Canucks lose the Stanley Cup last night and Jeesy Creazy, all Holy Hell breaks out. They're looting, flipping cars, burning buildings... 

Who do they think they are, WVU? Who knew this lovely Canadian town could throw down and be so... Detroit. Since when did Canada become all gansta? It's like opposite day north of the border. Next thing you know they'll be wearing their tukes all sideways, blasting Gordon Lightfoot in their cars and jacking people for Molsons. 

When the police show up in full riot gear, you expect people to flee, right? Most do, but not everyone...

this looks like a comfy spot to make out
"I love the way the flickering flames reflect in your eyes..."

Everybody has their own particular aphrodisiac. Clearly this couple's is mayhem, men in uniform and the pungent aroma of gasoline-fueled torchings. "You had me a flaming Volvo..." (that would be a great name for a band, don't ya think?) Thank God that chippie remembered to wear undies. Just sayin'.

I Wonder If She Likes Cats? 

Maybe just a little. I can't imagine why she's still single. File this in the Thank-God-I'm-Married column.

And finally...


The greatest Mother F***in' kid's book written, read by the baddest Mother F***in' actor, Samuel L. Jackson.






That should scare the little bastards to sleep. 

In Which There Is NOTHING Like Seventh Game Stanley Cup Hockey
(even when your team isn't involved)

Tonight is the seventh game of the 2011 Stanley Cup finals between Boston and Vancouver. Boston hasn't won in 39 years, Vancouver has never won in its 41 year history.

I'm a bit torn about who to root for. On the plus side, Boston has 43 year old former Pens legend, Mark Recchi who's already scored six goals in the series, three of them in game six!! I mean, come on! He was a Pen AND he's an old guy who can still score against the youngsters. I love Recchi. All of Pittsburgh loves Mark Recchi, but he plays for Boston, so, you know, no thanks. Besides I'm a ginormous sucker for an underdog, especially one who's never ever felt the pure elation of hoisting that marvelous trophy after a hard fought victory.

So Vancouver it is.

Plus they're so darn nice. Seriously. And they have the BEST national anthem.

I love America, warts and all. Our national anthem...not so much. Don't get me wrong, The Star Spangled Banner chokes me up with pride and emotion every time I hear it, especially when an entire arena of citizens is singing in unison.



But it's about a stupid battle set to an impossible-to-sing tune. O Canada, on the other hand, is a far superior, easily singable anthem about defense, duty and devotion to country. And it sounds amazing when sung en masse.



I can't help but join in. One of these days I'm going to learn it in French.

As I write this bloggity blah blog, the Canucks are down 3-0 with their first power play of evening ending in a shorthanded goal for Boston. They're killing me! Come on, Canucks!! Win this puppy at home.

If not for me, do it for these guys...



They just ain't right.

You Know You're The Best Of Friends When...

you can't wait to text your buddy with the details of the epic, nine inch long dump you just took because you know she'll totally appreciate it, especially the clean-sweep factor.

Hidey Ho!!!

Besides Geo who has become accustomed to my less-than-genteel behavior (perhaps why he drinks, as an attempt to erase such images), my delightfully twisted pal, Beets is that friend.

She and I belch like men--I'm talking long, Coke-fueled, Elf-movie inspired trailers that drone on forevah, turn everything into a dirty that's-what-she-said reference and howl about flatulence.

We are the Queens of potty humor.

She's literally the only one of my friends who completely appreciates this totally low-ball side of my sense of humor. Hell, she's the one who awakened my love of this trailer-park behavior, much to Geo's chagrin I'm sure. The awkward, slightly disgusted reception I get from my card club gals after I let fly with a exceptional, resonant burp is a far cry from the applause I'm used to from Beets. It's like crickets in a room. Can you imagine if I told them the tale of this tremendous two-pound turd? I love them, but they don't get me.

Beets gets me.

You know, if someone would have told me 30 years ago that someday I'd be so comfortable with another human being that I'd share toilet stories and other intimate topics generally frowned upon in civilized society, I would have stuffed my delicate fingers (pinkies up) in my chaste ears and called you a big, fat, honking liar.

So what was her reaction when I texted her this morning with the astounding accomplishment of my most recent bodily function? One word: "Classic"

I'll belch to that.

Attack Of The Killer Hot Dog Bun 
or Dude...we nearly killed a guy

diabolical hot dog
he's a mean mother
(courtesy of threadless tees)

Okay, so yesterday we had two hot dog eating contestants on our little morning dog and pony show, Pittsburgh Today Live, aka PTL (Jesus loves you). Anywho, one guy was a so-called professional eater, the other a mere novice at the delicate art of gorging oneself for money. There also was an EMT responder in the wings.

An EMT guy? Really? A bit of overkill, right.

So the stage was set with a plate of two hot dogs with buns and a large glass of water for each participant. The idea was each chomping champion would demonstrate his winning method of shoveling an entire hot dog and accompanying bun in his gullet at the speed of light.

First of all... EWWWWwwww.

Few things are as disgusting as watching some numb nut gorge himself on tubes of processed horse hooves, mystery-meat by-product and ground earthworms. Okay, listening to someone inhale copious amounts of this crap is worse. Trust me.

But I digress...

The "Pro" steps up first, showing off his break-in-two-shove-down-piehole method of weiner consumption, followed by a healthy dipping of the bun in water, expertly reducing the girth of the bread from its original inch to a meager quarter inch, thus enabling him to swallow the thing whole.

Again, EWwwwwwwww.

Not to be outdone, the novice nibbler grabbed both hot dogs and wolfed them down. I cannot even convey to you how disgusting that audio was. When he dipped his bun (hot dog, that is), however, it didn't look much smaller than its original undipped form.

This is a key point here.

He proceeded to scarf that puppy down, and....

Clearly something didn't go quite as he'd planned.

He started to gag (as I'm sure you're doing now just thinking about this spectacle) and stepped off the set with a look of sheer panic in his eyes. It was apparent he was having trouble breathing. Someone needed to dislodge that bastard bread ball from his throat. Someone like, oh I don't know, maybe the EMT guy. Remember him? Standing in the wings just in case something untoward occurred.

Yeah, well the urgency of the situation wasn't registering to this health professional until this choking cat started wildly gesturing towards is throat in a kind of macabre charades.

Um... two words. First word sounds like "yelp".  Belt, melt, felt... HELP!
Second word, sounds like "get your ass over here and help me, you stupid bastard before I clock you in the nards"

EMT guy finally strolls up, so I'm thinking great, he'll give him the Heimlich and this hideous spectacle will all be behind us, right?

hudga-hudga-hudga...
Lobster
(for all the Eddie Izzard fans)
is it me, or are you getting a
distinct homo-erotic German vibe
from this image, too?

Wrong!

Instead he puts his arm around him, chats him up, asks about the family, starts to discuss the fate of the much-maligned Pirates management, all the while weiner man is shoving his entire fist down his throat in a desperate attempt to, you know, SURVIVE. Keep in mind our guest hurler is still hooked to the mic, which is on a short cable, which is tethered to the set.

One word: Holy CRAP!! (okay, two words)

To recap: the guest is literally choking in front of the set, the EMT guy is taking his good ole time to perform the hug of life and I'm running to get a trash can while yelling into the headset for the director to end the segment, which she doesn't because no one in the booth has any idea about the graphic expectorating that is about to unfold.

By the time I run back to the set, the deed is done, so to speak, the evidence of said act present on both the floor and the shoes of our now completely humiliated guest.

And yet, the segment is still going on. Live. Over the air. Complete with off-stage sound effects of a non-appetising fashion.

Here's the best part. As I reached over to unplug the mic from the cable so he could take his sorry ass to the men's room and clean up, I realized the entire gruesome pantomime was played out in direct eye line of our host.

No shit. She couldn't NOT look at it. How the hell she didn't lose her cookies, I'll never know. A chain reaction ralph. Now that would have been a first.

And how's this for irony, the cooking segment today...hot dogs wrapped in crescent rolls. I kid you not. Who says the Universe doesn't have a sense of humor.

it sho' does

Death by weiner bun. Not exactly the way you'd want to meet your maker.

Local television is getting so gangsta, Yo.