One More For The Road...

Because Americans take warnings seriously, yo.

hoisting his main sail into the wind

Thanks to Wesley Stace for capturing this lad's finest moment, thus allowing it to live forever on the internets. Hurricane 2011! Woo Hoo!!



This Week In Wacky Weather
or what bug's up your butt, Nature?

Okay, so weird shit's been going down in my beloved North East lately. Last week a wide span of land from North Carolina to New England felt the Earth rumble and roll from a 5.9 quake centered around Richmond, Virginia. Most of my friends and family near and far felt the crust busta move beneath their buttocks. The shaking even made the most jaded folks I know (the newsroom crew) take pause before quipping "I am NOT ready to rumble."

I was in my car when the Earth did not stand still, missing the uncommon occurrence. Natch. I am so bummed! One of the only times our personal terra is not so firma, and I miss it. I feel completely left out, and as you may have noticed, I don't like to be left out. I'm annoying that way.

One of the reasons I love America and the citizens residing within its borders is the speed with which the humor is rolled out after an unsettling event. Within minutes of realizing there were no deaths or injuries, the interwebs exploded with the funny, quake-related witticisms. Our collective irreverence is probably why the rest of the world dislikes us so. Okay, they hate us. We can make a joke out of virtually anything. And what the hell's wrong with that, right? Lighten up, people.

This gem circulated shortly after the shimmy 'n shake.

We're just a nation of lovable, quick-witted asshats.

Next up on the Nature Hit Parade...

"Does this storm surge make my butt look big?"
- Irene 2011
"no, it makes it look like an angry elephant, dude"
-me

How about a little water, Scarecrow.

FACT: For the last two years, hurricane season has been downright quiet.
FACT: It's been over 50 years since the last hurricane charged through the New Jersey/New York area
FACT: Irene decided to take advantage of the back-to-school sales and stop by Fifth Avenue in person for those killer Jimmy Choo heels she's been eyeing on line.

She's a girl after all, and a thrifty one at that. Who wants to shell out all that extra dough on shipping when you can pick them up yourself, not to mention try on a number of other beauties while you're waiting. Pffft! No brainer. Besides who can resist those 50% off, end of season bargains.

Um... clearly NOT Mama Nature.

Reduced to a Category 1 storm, Irene took her good ole time crawling up the coastline, coming ashore first in North Carolina to kite surf, stopping through Baltimore to dine on some fabulous Maryland crab cakes she's heard so much talk about before heading to Northern Jersey shore points, you know, in the off-chance Bruce Springsteen might actually be hanging around the Stone Pony. Like many, she's a big fan, especially of his early Born to Run years. Alas, he was nowhere in sight. (sad tropical storm face) Strapping on her new Nikon digital SLR, she rented a car and drove over to the Big Apple (because some doofus shut down all the PATH trains and subways), excited to shop and catch the late show of the much ballyhooed Book of Mormon only to find it and every other attraction in Times Square boarded up and dark.

Son of a Biscuit Eating Bulldog!!?!!

"Do you realize how tough it was to score those tickets?!? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu**!"

Nothing left to do but head up the coast for some fresh seafood on the cape before checking up on Sid Crosby's healing progress in Nova Scotia. She's a Pens fan, too, dontcha know.

goofball surfers taunting irene
where is his parent?
oh wait, he's the one on the left

Bend and Stretch
reach for your butt

All kidding aside, we Nor'easters aren't used to all this natural phenomena. We're generally insulated from these types of natural disasters. That said, people all up and down the coast faced power outages, flooding, wind damage. Some dealt with storm-related tornadoes. Even a nuclear reactor in New Jersey was shut down. People were evacuated, store fronts were boarded up and New York city subways were closed.

a couple of lone boardwalk bikers

By far the most freakish sites were the normally crowded Manhattan landmarks completely deserted.

when was the last time Grand Central was empty?

an eerily quiet Times Square at 7am Sunday

It's like one of those bad apocalyptic, end-of-days movies where the protagonist wakes up to find he's the last human left on the planet.

But take heart. I just saw network footage of New York youngsters giving Irene the middle finger by body surfing on the minimally flooded streets of the city. Oh NewYorkers. Your balls... er, spirit is to be envied.

While hunting for photos, I stumbled upon a Brooklyner's blog, The Smoking Nun, which has some really fascinating photos of the desolate streets and bridges. Pretty cool. Plus, c'mon! There are pictures of Nuns...smoking. Love it! I think I might have to bookmark this one for the name alone.

You can read the two related posts here and here and the final bit here.

What the EF, Nature! Earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes... what horror's next? Locusts? Pestilence? A Palin presidency?

Eeeeaghh! *shudder*

I'd rather have frogs drop from the skies.

A Cavalcade of Comedic Crap

Okay, so I can't write for shit lately (not including my last two posts which were all about the shitz). I don't know what the deal is. My muse has run off again, probably fleeing to the sunny Southwest to get away from the purported ravages of Hurricane Irene or the recent earthquake or just the long-winded pleas I've been making to her to pleasepleasePLEASE inject some creativity back into my brain. But, no. She just laughs, points and throws M & Ms at my non-existent cleavage.

Bitch.

Anywho, I'm taking the easy way out and posting some truly hilarious lists that made my inner 12 year-old spew milk from his nose.

Both of the lists are from Happyplace.com. This website is da bomb! I want to work for them and spend my professional day scanning the interwebs for the most absurd things to share.

Even if you totally don't get the idea or usefulness of Twitter, you can appreciate these smart-ass comments made to celebrity's tweets. For those unfamiliar, the text after the "RT" is the celebrity's tweet. The comment prior to the "RT" is the smart-ass's. Enjoy!

i don't think he does

hours of endless fun

touche, douche bag

ha ha! asshat

earth to yoko

These hysterical retorts almost make me want to follow these imbeciles. Almost. The full listing is here.

This next one is totally right up my alley. It's from a list of unintentionally offensive sticker placements.

and for only $250!

looks like his inside is hanging out

gotta teach 'em young

so this is why they had to move west

Unintentional, my ass. The link to the full site is here. Read them and share them with others who are as twisted and demented as you.

And for the Trifecta of funny, a little Guster frivolity. I've written about Guster before. They're a delightful pop band whose shows are huge fun. Everyone leaves happy. One of their trademarks is choosing a different, oddball cover song to perform every night.

A couple weeks ago in New England, Will Forte (of SNL McGruber fame) joined Guster not once, but twice to sing each evening's cover gem. The first was Air Supply's "All out of Love".




Forte got HUGE flack via interweb comments over wearing the band's t-shirt to the show. Apparently it's uber nerdy. Whatev. The next meeting, Will was better prepared.




Puts you in mind of Robert Stack in Airplane, right?




You can read all about it in this Boston review here.

Well, that's the end of my drivel. Hopefully inspiration will strike soon. Otherwise, see you in a month or so.

Giving The Devil His DooDoo
or keeping a promise to my loving extortionist

Okay, so Friday was the day Magellan set sail up my colon in search of new lands, exotic spices and naked chicks (why else would a guy voluntarilly venture up the dark tunnel if not for a naked boobies siting). Also known as Colonoscopy Day!!

Yaaaaaaaaaaay....

Truth be told, it really wasn't that bad aside from:

1. not sleeping for fear of gushing the bed every 15 minutes
2. drinking yet another bottle of colon blow at 4am (because seriously, who needs sleep) WHILE sitting on the john
3. wiping neon yellow liquid from my burning, baboon-red buttock
4. having the nurse randomly stab my vein, spinning the IV needle around and around in a wide arc because apparently it's fun making the starving sap go clammy and pass out
5. realizing this shit gets humiliatingly ugly--literally--as the OR nurse straps on a full-face wielder's mask
6. being aware of what horrors are happening to my hindquarters halfway through the procedure, even though I was promised a drug to zap the event from my memory. Major FAIL! Although the first drug made me not even care.

Versed: 0  Demerol: 1

Dr. Buttmunch didn't find Jimmy Hoffa, the Holy Grail or the earring I lost last year, but he did find one Klingon, so I'm good to go for five years instead of ten. I'll take it. Maybe by then there will be some kind of Star Trekky, salt shaker gizmo he can just hover over my gut noninvasively instead of getting all up in my trunk. A girl can dream, right?

The whole procedure reminds me of the scene near the end of Animal House in which the Tri-Delts ram the Deathmobile into the viewing stands, knocking Carmine (the Mayor), Dean and Mrs. Horny-Wormer on their asses, prompting Mrs. W to say "You can take your finger out of my ass any time now, Carmine."

Exactly.

Going through this process begs two question:

1. People actually choose to drink a Satanic elixir to blast every organic particle out of their piping? What. The. HELL is wrong with them? Seriously.
2. Why? Why on earth would someone chose the human sewage system as a specialty. Why? I get why men would jump into Gynecology, but Gastroenterology? Why?!? WHY?!?

On a brighter note, I got a great, big-ass, gold star for spotless internal housekeeping. Woo Hoooo!!! Now if only I could drink some magical cocktail to clean my house as thoroughly. THAT would totally be worth a sleepless night hunkered down on the loo.

A colonoscopy is a necessary, albeit bizarre thing. However, I lack the skills to do full justice to the absurdity. I will leave that to two professionals, Dave Barry and the brilliant Billy Connolly. Enjoy!

Dave Barry's A Journey Into My Colon... And Yours

Behold! The brilliance of Billy Connolly:




Toilet paper in the fridge. Why didn't I think of that?

In Which A Casual Conversation Turns On You Like A Pitbull

This photo is my life right now.

Fact. I am a victim of extortion.

Okay, so last year at my annual gyny visit, I was handed a script and told "You're old. Go have your colon scrubbed." To which I said, "not until I'm good and ready, Round Eye."

In passing one morning, I casually relayed this conversation to Geo. He was livid. He had assumed I'd already done this disgusting dance of the macabre. Um... hello? Did you go to the hospital with me? No. Ergo, no medical close-up of my colon.

Anywho, words were exchanged, teeth were gnashed, yadda yadda yadda... Geo gave me the big "Or Else". I have to let the surgeon tickle my innards, or else we don't go see Rhett Miller perform in September.

It's extortion, I tell ya. EXTORTION!

I called to book the OR the next day.

What I won't do to hear the lovely blue-eyed one sing.

Blerg.

So, today is "prep" day, meaning I can't eat any solid food stuffs until my procedure tomorrow morning at 9am. 9AM!?!!

Good God, man!

I'm relegated to some hideous voodoo liquid that will twist the insides of my backside, expelling every reasonably solid substance until mere water gushes out of my soon-to-be baboon-red butt with the same intensity as 4-time strongman Magnus Ver Magnusson ringing out a Sham Wow.

he's my hero
if we ever get to Iceland
we are definitely looking him up

Yaaaaaaaaaay...

So since I started the Great Cleanse of my Cornhole, there are a couple of things I've learned about myself.

1. I am MEAN when I'm hungry.

No lie. Trust me. I would NOT be your friend in a plane crash in the Andes. After ten hours, I would totally chow down on Mr. Chunky over there in 11D. And in the completely literal sense. Not at all in that fun, hey-let's-have-a-pantsless-tussle way, either.

"Donner Party of seven... Party of six... five... "

I'm so ornery right now, I started listening to Gangsta Rap in the car with the windows down and the bass cranked to teeth shatter. And it's early in the day yet. Clearly, I cannot handle having no food in my belly after a couple of hours.

2. There is NO FUCKING NUMBER 2!!!

See what I mean. I'm snarky and short fused and hating on nearly everyone and everything. I will kick you square in the nut sack with the pointiest of pointy shoes today... just because.

Nasty-Ass White Chick.

For the record, that's my new rap name. Either that or Come-Near-Me-With-That-Bag-Of-Fresh-Popped-Corn-And-I'll-Rip-A-Vein-From-Your-Neck GirlieO.

That's the other thing. Everywhere I go today I'm assaulted with the sweet, sweet scent of simmering, mouth-watering foods. Barbecue chicken, hamburgers on the grill, fresh baked bread...

I'm drooling like Homer Simpson over here.

mmmm...donuts

Warm popcorn fresh from the popper is truly the Siren's song that sets me salivating. I had no idea how much I could fixate on a snack food, not to mention all the gorgeous, fresh produce from the Fabulous King Boys I got lying around. When this is over, I'm going to slather myself in sunflower butter, chocolate syrup and potato chips and have a big, fat, sloppy food orgy.

Until then, I'll drink the (non) grape Kool Aid of the damned and forge a lasting bond with my Kohler.  All this so when the masked doctor, who I hope to God has washed his hands, shoves a 100 foot garden hose in my hindquarters, it will be all sparkling clean and shit. Pun intended.

Thank the universal health care stars for drugs. Fentanyl and Versed are the meds most used when being medically violated, er... having the "fun" put back in your fundament. Fentanyl helps with the pain of the procedure. We suckers, or patients if you prefer, need to be awake and talking during the charge of the butt brigade just in case the Doc sneezes and you know, accidentally hits the pressure washer setting, sending a veritable geyser through your navel.

I imagine the conversations that go on in the OR as ones similar in nature to talking with someone who has pounded down a few glasses of wine. All slurry and I love you, man-ish. Ohmigod, wouldn't that be hilarious to tape record? Of course I have no idea what crazy crap I'll be saying in there tomorrow, so hey, keep your recorder at home Dr. Derriere. Having your poop shoot telecast on a ginormous 60 inch hi-def TV is bad enough, right?

And that's why on the seventh day, God created Versed to make one forget the horrible humiliation one just endured. Not unlike being zapped by the white light ifrom Men in Black.

this won't hurt a bit

"Oo, Ow it hurts!"
ZZZZZZzzzz
"Aaaah... pretty colors..."

I contend they should package Versed in pill form for every day use. Having a horrendous day? Pop one of those babies and it's gone, baby, GONE! I could make a killing selling these at the Special K.

Better living through chemistry.

Now back to Satan's elixir.

*shudder*

About That Day...

Okay, so I know I obsess about my love of all things Rhett Miller. Geo teases me that I only love the blue-eyed lovely one because he's gorgeous. It's true. He is gorgeous, but honestly what really attracts me to him is his great big brain, his masterful manipulation of words and his sense of humor.

 Alright, it doesn't hurt that all those magnificent inner workings are wrapped in a beautiful outside package. Um...hello. I am a girl after all.

In 2001, Rhett and his soon-to-be-bride, Erica lived a mere two blocks from the World Trade Center. Like thousands of others that fateful day in September, they were awaken by the impact of the planes hitting the towers. With just the clothes on their backs, they literally ran for their very lives as one by one the skyscrapers fell.

We all make split-second decisions in our lives everyday with little consequence. Their decision to run like hell instead of hide in the basement of their apartment building probably saved their lives. It would be the second time he escaped death, first at his own hand, now at the hands of religious extremist.

The Atlantic Monthly has featured Rhett's journal entries from September 11th and the two chaotic days after as part of their ten year anniversary commemoration. It's remarkable reading.

I've never lived in New York City, but have had an emotional attachment to that particular concrete jungle since the first time I walked it's dirty streets at the tender age of 13. Watching the terrifying events of 9/11 was devastating. Clearly not as devastating as those who witnessed first hand the horrors of that day, but still my heart shattered. I couldn't stop crying.

I'm crying now.

Reading his account conjured up a lot of that oppressed heartbreak, but sharing these links on the social networks sparked a wonderfully cathartic conversation with faraway friends on Facebook. So for that, and innumerable other things, I owe a debt of thanks to Mr. Miller.


You can read his Atlantic Monthly article here.

such a lovely song to come out of such tragedy

As an addendum to the main article, Rhett shares how he wrote one of the songs from Blame It On Gravity using the only musical instrument available to him post 9/11, a Mexican guiro attached to a marionette. There are also two unreleased song demos in the article here.

In Which I Spend An Evening With Terrorist Taxis and Scared Bunnies

Okay, so last Saturday night there were huge happenings on the North Shore of the Burgh. Within a 1.5 mile radius there was a baseball game with a post-debacle... I mean, game band (Train) concluding with ginormous fireworks at PNC Park, Heinz Field was hosting a Batman Dark Night Rises shoot and Stage AE was the place to hear outstanding popular music outdoors.  In the sweltering heat. Amongst the icky, sticky masses.

So much to do in one little evening!

My work buddy, Sue was nice enough to tag along with me to see Death Cab For Cutie and my favorite Scottish band, Frightened Rabbit at the above mentioned Stage AE. She and I spent an equally humid night last summer suffering through a wretched Smashing Pumpkins concert. Clearly we are drawn to sweaty events. We are like the Sheen Sister.

we've got to hit some cooler venues

I like this new venue a lot except for the painfully long security line to enter. This evening the queue wound all the way around the perimeter. Fortunately, the Good Humor lady was right around the corner.

me love you long time, ice cream lady

A refreshing orange Creamcicle for me. An erotic ice formation for Sue.

Phallus! Get your ice cold Phallus!

One of the cool things about the gents of Frightened Rabbit (henceforth referred to as Frabbits) is their charitable efforts on tour. Lead singer, Scott Hutchinson has taken to creating a drawing of some kind to sell each night for $20 which goes to a designated charity of record. Last year was the beard tour with Scott drawing a bearded figure on album sleeves bought from local used record stores. This tour's sketch offering is on postcards. Ours paid homage to Batman.

Guess what, kids...

dark night rises from sleep to ... tinkle
answers the question, "what
would batman wear to bed?" 

I scored that puppy, Beeyatch!

After the show, Scott kindly got all the guys from the band to sign the back.

Scott, goober, Gordon, Sue
post-show meet, and greet...and melt

with Andy prior to the show
does he look like a Brit, or what?

The cool thing about this show is for once the opener was as entertaining as the headliner. The Frabbits played a short set, but the crowd was thick with supporters singing and clapping along. They're great fun to watch, if not a wee bit spazzy. Plus the f-bomb sounds so charming uttered in that delightful brogue.





The Loneliness and the Scream is one of my favorite concert finales evah.



Fucking Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrilliant!

(Side Note: Do yourself a favor and click on the "Old Old" video suggestion that pops up after viewing this last video. It's awesome, too and shot from much closer.)

Death Cab For Cutie is one of those oddly named bands introduced to Geo and me years ago via our music guru friend, Beeeeeeal. Their ethereal sound struck a chord early on. It's been five years since they popped through town. Definitely worth the wait.

They played a long 25-song, two hour set full of energetic pop songs. Singer Ben Gibbard was in great voice, buzzing about the stage, bouncing to his own beat. When he stood alone on stage with his acoustic guitar (rifting about how sick HE was of all the Batman traffic chaos), I knew he was about to play my favorite tune of theirs that always makes me cry because I am a huge sappy douche.

*sniff*




This heartbreakingly beautiful song makes me think of the inevitable end of Geo's and my life together...

*double sniff*

For a minute I thought my streak of every performer singing a cover during the show was going to be broken when they finished the master set list and left the stage sans cover song, but then they returned with this.




And the streak continues!! Woo Hoo!




There are more videos on my YouTube channel here.

It was a perfect summer evening of sharing live music with a friend under the starry, moonlit sky. What could possibly top it? Sipping a nightcap in the cool riverfront breeze on a restaurant patio watching these go off.

Perfection.