Friday Photo #37

or this is why he used to be dinner...

Okay, so Tuesday was Ground Hog's Day, my favorite weirdo American tradition of all time. 20,000 sober and not-so-sober crazies gather in the middle of freaking nowhere, namely Punxsutawney and wait for hours in the bitter cold for a group of tuxedoed, top-hatted doofuses known as the "Inner Circle" to yank a nestling hog from his comfy hole in order to predict whether there will be six more weeks of winter or not. (and yes, that does sound dirty)

Many years ago I was one of those sober crazies standing around the Knob, freezing my make believe man-marbles off waiting for the Hog Extraction. I have to admit...it was fun. Like Antarctica cold, but fun.

Anywho, I was going to post this photo on Tuesday, but the little bastard saw his shadow. (SURPRISE! not!) and I was a little bummed. As you may know, the last few years I've grown to absolutely despise winter.

Then Wednesday came and went, plus I was more than a little fecal-faced from the monthly wine tasting...then it was Thursday and I was moving a little slowly--okay a lot slowly--what with the one Greyhound+four glasses of primo French wine+morsel of fine foods+resulting double vision from the prior evening's consumption ...

So now it's Friday and what the Hell... it's my photo of the week, because I'm lazy. Don't judge. It's not attractive.

I will leave you with this. Long ago when this whole zany annual prognosticating tradition started, the men of the coveted Inner Circle would let Phil (that's his name) do his little shadow puppet prediction... and then serve him up for dinner.

Yeah. They would eat him. I think they were on to something there. Seriously. Perhaps some old practices should be revisited. Just saying.

These awfully grainy pictures were shot from the monitor at work using my phone. It kinda adds to the grossness of the outcome. Plus what is up with that Dude? He's getting way to personal with the hog. (that's what she said!)

This last one is for my sister, Weezy who is a lover of all things Troy Polamalu. It's from an upcoming Super Bowl commercial. I don't think any of us would mind hearing bad news from his mug. Enjoy, Sis!

They Said What?! 

or accidentally inappropriate statements made on television 

Okay, so you all know by now the 12-year-old in me loves when television people accidentally say suggestive and inappropriate comments on the air. Here are some classics. Feel free to insert your own "that's what she said", because frankly, I'm exhausted. Enjoy.

Referencing a green wedding gown, Tracey Smith from CBS' Sunday Morning show made this statement: 

"Yes... It's a Wang." 

Confused by all the hubbub prior to his eventual Senate confirmation, Roland Burris pleaded for an explanation as to why his nomination was sullied:

"What is the taint?"  

In case you don't get the (w)hole "taint" reference, this Daily Show video should help.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Level of Taint
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Locally, one of our anchors challenged the weather man for the  lack of predicted snowfall this way:

"Dave, you promised us six inches. What happened?"

I am NOT making this up.

Of course weather men are an enormous source of entertainment. Referring to overnight thunderstorms:

"I couldn't sleep with all the banging going on last night."

"There's some moisture in the Beaver Area."

"Oh boy, we are going to get it big"

Honestly, it's just too easy.

Another legendary anchor made this comment about Pebble Beach:

"I don't have enough balls to play that course."  

(to which everyone in the studio lost it on air)

Another golden oldie was uttered by the original bubble-head, bleached blond...let's call her Beverage. She needlessly explained the absence of her co-anchor this way:

"Good evening. Ray's in the hospital and Jack's off."

And just this past week our new morning on-air recruit trying to ad lib her way out of a story in which a woman claims the letters G-O-D mysteriously appeared on her salami, shared this observation:

"Maybe someone else is putting things on her meat..."

But this may be my favorite because it wasn't utter during an unguarded live moment. It was said in a promo... a pre-produced and edited promo for How I Met Your Mother. After showing Ted and Robin in a post-coital cuddle, the announcer proclaimed:

"All new How I Met Your Mother after a Big Bang"

I kid you not.

Just A Little Quickie 

(that's what HE said) 

Okay, so quick story... we subscribe, okay I subscribe to an online daily hororscope--just for shits and giggles. It's fun to read. According to these folks, apparently we are all in a positive spin even though that bastard of a planet, Mercury is lurking in our unmentionables..er, atmospheres. Seems the rest of the ruling planets have effectively bitch-slapped his ass into behaving. But I digress...

Anyway, this is today's general forecast:

"Get ready for a bit of excitement today as emotional lightning strikes to shake, rattle and roll our lives. Our desires are strong and we may not be satisfied by the same old routines now as romantic Venus joins unorthodox Uranus for a cosmic dance. Additionally, feisty Mars forms a cooperative sextile (what is that?) with Venus and (planetary party animal) Uranus, raising the stakes and encouraging us to take a risk. The adventurous Sagittarius Moon fuels the fires and lifts our spirits." 

Along with our skirts, perhaps?

Looks like the Cosmos is getting freaky-deaky today. Grab your fancy dancin' duds, Ladies. Apparently it's not a party until you're getting down with Uranus. And THAT is what she said.

Setting Yourself Up For Failure

or how I resolve to avoid the sticky web of resolutions this year...

Okay, so I was never big on resolutions. Very few are ever kept past...I don't know... January 3rd and it just seems like another soulless, societally dictated action whose entire purpose is intended to make you feel like a total loser by the end of the year since you haven't accomplished SQUAT except the realization that you're just one huge Asshat.

Ooo...I like that word, "asshat". That word reminds me of this guy at work who uses the term "like ass" to describe pretty much anything that is vile and disgusting. You know, like, "OMG! That smells like ASS!" or "Wow...that tastes like ASS." or "That show sucked like ASS." which doesn't even make sense, but..whatever. The question remains, exactly how much ass has he smelled or sampled to make him such an expert? No, wait. Don't reeeeeeally want to know. Really. No thank you.

Moving on...

So this year instead of making a list of serious resolutions I should actually keep, I'm choosing to make a list of resolutions I have no chance in Hell of keeping. Sort of a reverse psychology resolution list. This way at the end of the year my lack of ambition will actually be an accomplishment for which I can take pride. Get it? It's kinda like that game "I Never" we used to play at parties. You make a declaration that is actually true, but you put the phrase "I Never" before it and everyone else has to raise their hand if they also did the same stupid thing, and then take a drink. (of course it was a drinking game. we were in our 20s. sha!) For example, someone might say "I never smoked pot" or "I never threw up on your shoes" or "I never motorboated your girlfriend's naked breasts while you were passed out on the couch" ...and that's when the fistfight would start...and the party would be over.

So here goes. I "resolve" to...

1. stop swearing in f*cking general, and at work in f*cking particular.

2. stop using the phrase "that's what she said"

3. stop buying shoes

4. pay a bit more attention at work (well, okay, this one I probably should actually do)

5. stop chewing my lip and/or nails

6. stop using the phrase "in your pants" after titles (i.e. Big Bang Theory... in your pants)

7. start acting more lady like (snort! yeah, right! who would recognize me?)

8. write more entertaining blogs

9. end the dirty talk with my co-workers

and finally...

10. quit obsessing over my fantasy husband, Rhett Miller AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! SNORT!

I couldn't even keep a straight face for that one. Like that would EVER happen without the aid of a twelve-step program! Pa-Lease!!?!

Anyway, best wishes to all for an economically upturned, top-shelf liquor laced, resolution free new year filled with more of the folks you love and adore and far less of those who give you shit.

And just because it's the end of the year and I can, here's one of my favorite tunes from the Rhett concert at Hoboken. So bite me.