The Amazing Bonding Power of Dirty Talk 

or how to melt the ice-storm of moody people 

Okay, so I was relegated to the afternoon shift this week through no choice of my own. The Universe conspired against me just to punk me for its own amusement, but I'm not bitter. 

Well not much anyway. 

Anywho, even though I did NOT dig the hours I have to admit it was nice to work with folks I haven't seen for a long time. It was great to be with my dear friends Jude, K-Schnikes, Zippy, Mrs. Zippy (not to be confused with Miss Issippi), Joey and the night side talent. They were all so sweet and welcoming--like a big warm, fuzzy, Snuggie hug. Not to mention there were lots of actual big, warm hugs, to boot. You know what a huge hug whore I am. I felt like the proverbial Prodigal Child. 

The talent were (was?) refreshingly animated and fun, too. Even the one Dude who usually is a royal TOOL was jovial and joking around. There's one anchor in particular...let's call him Guy Smiley, who's let's say ... a bit moody. He's one of those types of people for which you have to lick your finger and hold it up to test which way the wind's blowing that day. Sometimes he's happy and upbeat. Sometimes he's quiet and introspective, hanging out his "Do Not Disturb" sign. 

It's not a slam. It's not a criticism. It's just a fact. 

One cannot take his demeanor personally. His mood shifts happen with everyone. He's a really terrific guy. I'm not kidding. He's one of those extremely sharp, witty, creative people who, sadly, is not allowed any outlet at work for his abundant skills. Plus, I really respect how he stays out of all the gossip and backbiting that's prevalent in any newsroom. 

So, seems I may have stumbled upon the secret to cracking the crusty outer shell of Mr. Smiley. Turns out he's a big fan of the dirty-name game and off-color, that's-what-she-said kinda humor. 

Who knew? 

The ice breaker was me sharing our (and by "our" I mean me and Beets) latest dirty names, Howie Felthersnatch and his girlfriend Erin McCooter. He roared. He absolutely ROARED with laughter. Then he proceeded to introduce me to his Greek fishing tycoon friend, Harry Pairatestes and his lovely wife Fonda Peters. 

At that point he launched into a joke which was generously sprinkled with the f-bomb. 

(Dude, I swear I have NEVER heard him say that satisfying swear...EVER. And I've known him for over 15 years!)

Again, who knew?

Always up to share a good guffaw, I spouted off my two favorites:

What do you have if you have nuts on a wall? Walnuts

What do you have if you have nuts on a chest? Chestnuts

What do you have if you have nuts on your chin? 

A d*ck in your mouth.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Aagagaahahagag 

You know, I've never written that out before. How does one spell one gagging on a trouser snake?

Anyway the atmosphere was lightened in the studio for three days thanks to the irresistible power of off-colored humor. Even the Tool joined in the fun by using a suggestive gesture after this sound bite crossed the airwaves:

"There was nothing left for us to do except pull out our jugs..."

That's what she said.

Fun Websites I've Recently Stumbled Upon 

or space fillers because I've sucked lately at this blog 'o sphere thang 

Okay, so I've been working the evening shift this week--long story involving disabled lists, vacations, Mercury entering Uranus (ouch!). Anyway I haven't been able to concentrate very well lately (could be that whole distracting Uranus thing-she said hole AND Ur-anus) so I thought I'd share a few fun websites I've stumbled on. And by "I've" I mean Geo and David Dye from the most excellent World Cafe radio show. 

Geo was introduced to this hi-larious site via Thrillist. It's Unnecessaryquotes.com where people send in photos of signage with ... unnecessary quotation marks. I don't know what's funnier, the signs or the commentary.

The caption reads and I'm using quotation marks here:

"James got this pizza in Hatfield, England. He says the pizza wasn't that great. And they are sarcastic about the existence of an environment, apparently."

Or how about this one:

"That's right kids, imaginary security starts when you pretend to lock things."

There are pages and pages of this stuff. Enjoy!

You may remember I wrote about Easter candy and my hatred of all things Peeps. Well someone more clever than I has put together a website dedicated to depicting the death of the dreaded and much maligned marshmallow Peeps, one hundred fold. The address is 100waystokillapeep.com. Warning. It does get a little graphic... and it is fabulously sick and twisted!! This one is called "Beating Heart". (again with the quotation marks)

The last site I want to share has nothing to do with violence or stupidity. David Dye from the World Cafe posted this in his daily newsletter. It's a site featuring younger artists like Julianna Hatfield, Josh Ritter, The Avett Brothers, Pete Yorn  and Tegan & Sarah covering Bruce Springsteen songs recorded in various settings. Here's the link.

Here are two of my favorites. Birdmonster playing "Promised Land" in what appears to be their living room and Bouncing Souls performing one of my favorites "Growing Up" in front of a packed concert.

The Avett Brothers performing a more traditional "Glory Days" in their garage is really stellar, too. Apparently there is talk of putting out a CD of these covers. Sign me up!!

One more thing before I sign off and finally take a shower to get ready for work... 

RHETT ALERT!! RHETT ALERT!!

That's right. You knew I couldn't go too long without some sort of Miller mention. My fantasy husband will be a guest on tomorrow night's season finale of 30 Rock. Rumor has it he's playing himself. I'm betting he nails it. :D 

Then after Rhett's network acting debut, at 10pm you can tune your computer to Hit By A Train to listen to a live streaming of his new CD in its entirety. The link is here. You know I'll be tuned in with my full-on obsession. Poor Geo. 

NPR has a great track-by-track interview in which Rhett talks about the origin of/inspiration for each song. Just to illustrate what a talented wordsmith he is, there's a song in which he incorporates the phrase "she's the sum of the tchotchkes she keeps".  Tchotchkes. I love that word. 

Anyway the link to the NPR interview is here. 

That is all for now. Cheers!

They Said What?! 

or accidentally inappropriate statements made on television 

Okay, so you all know by now the 12-year-old in me loves when television people accidentally say suggestive and inappropriate comments on the air. Here are some classics. Feel free to insert your own "that's what she said", because frankly, I'm exhausted. Enjoy.

Referencing a green wedding gown, Tracey Smith from CBS' Sunday Morning show made this statement: 

"Yes... It's a Wang." 

Confused by all the hubbub prior to his eventual Senate confirmation, Roland Burris pleaded for an explanation as to why his nomination was sullied:

"What is the taint?"  

In case you don't get the (w)hole "taint" reference, this Daily Show video should help.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Level of Taint
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Locally, one of our anchors challenged the weather man for the  lack of predicted snowfall this way:

"Dave, you promised us six inches. What happened?"

I am NOT making this up.

Of course weather men are an enormous source of entertainment. Referring to overnight thunderstorms:

"I couldn't sleep with all the banging going on last night."

"There's some moisture in the Beaver Area."

"Oh boy, we are going to get it big"

Honestly, it's just too easy.

Another legendary anchor made this comment about Pebble Beach:

"I don't have enough balls to play that course."  

(to which everyone in the studio lost it on air)

Another golden oldie was uttered by the original bubble-head, bleached blond...let's call her Beverage. She needlessly explained the absence of her co-anchor this way:

"Good evening. Ray's in the hospital and Jack's off."

And just this past week our new morning on-air recruit trying to ad lib her way out of a story in which a woman claims the letters G-O-D mysteriously appeared on her salami, shared this observation:

"Maybe someone else is putting things on her meat..."

But this may be my favorite because it wasn't utter during an unguarded live moment. It was said in a promo... a pre-produced and edited promo for How I Met Your Mother. After showing Ted and Robin in a post-coital cuddle, the announcer proclaimed:

"All new How I Met Your Mother after a Big Bang"

I kid you not.

Friday Photo #21 

Florida sighting... 

Does this really need to be spelled out? Really? Perhaps it's time to thin the herd....

The Parkway Pas de Deux 

or instant karma in action  

Okay, so around here we have these things called Parkways, which is a completely erroneous moniker being they are 55mph highways... Anyhoo, there are three of these main arteries in Pittsburgh--Parkway West, Parkway East and the baby of the group, Parkway North. As you would guess, traffic on these roadways is clogged in varying degrees during both the morning and evening rushes.

A little side note: Native Burghers are very territorial. South Hills dwellers rarely move North and North Hills natives don't dig crossing the river at all. Either move would make one a major defector and pariah in one's own family. And neither group would ever, EVER entertain the thought of moving East. That's just madness, man! 

One of the reasons for our collective hatred of the East is one's inevitable trek on the dreaded Parkway East. Seriously. This road is like Satan's highway...Beelzebub's backyard...Lucifer's laughfest. Seriously. It's never not jammed. Add a little water to the mix in the form of rain or snow, and it's just...DEATH. Slow, brain-biting, please-shove-needles-in-my-eyes-and-put-me-out-of-my-misery kinda Death.  

But I digress...

Lately I've been driving to work most mornings. I could take the trolley which is peaceful and uber efficient, but I've had lots of appointments and errands to run after work which require access to a motor vehicle. That, and I'm basically a lazy slug who doesn't want to get up any earlier to partake in the magnificence that is the trolley line.

Moving on to the point of this posting... 

The last part of my commute is a merge onto the Parkway West right before the tunnel. 

(By the way, if you ever find yourself driving to Pittsburgh from the airport, I guarantee you will be completely awestruck by the view of the city as you emerge from the tunnel. You're in darkness, then suddenly the entire city is laid out before you. The sun glistening off the rivers as they kiss the shorelines. I'm not kidding. It's gorgeous! A major "Wow!" factor going on. Every day I drive through there, and every day I am struck by the beauty.) 

Sorry. I'm having trouble keeping on topic today for some reason.

Like I started to say, the last part of my commute is a merge onto the Parkway West. There are two on-ramps which merge onto the highway. A lovely little ballet takes place right at this point that perfectly illustrates the philosophy of Instant Karma. I call it the Parkway Pas de Deux. Someone lets you in the first lane...then you let someone else in line. Then karma rewards you with an opening in the next lane where you graciously leave enough space to let someone else in...and so on, and so on. It's truly a beautiful thing. Everybody gets in. Everybody's happy... that's what she said. 

Come on! You know I had to say it.

Of course Karma works both ways. A funny thing happens when someone is being a dick, hugging the bumper in front of him to prevent a merge. Karma steps in and the dude never gets into the next lane. It's fabulous and oh-so-satisfying. 

So remember the next time you're stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic...a little courtesy and Karma go along way.

Okay... I'm a Gigantic Boob 

(and not the alluring, fill-out-your-sweater-and-make-the-boys-drool type either)

So I rambled on and on about supporting Chuck by watching it tonight only to realize (after posting) that last week was the final episode of this season or possibly ever. And by "realize" I mean Geo broke the news (i.e. shattered my fragile ego)  when I was frantically yelling at him to change the channel to NBC. Okay, he didn't shatter my ego--just slapped me back to reality. Figuratively of course. 

Mea Culpa. I throw myself upon my sword of shame and beg your forgiveness. But still, do yourself a favor, NetFlix Season One and then watch Season Two online. 

I'm such a tool...

We Interrupt This Mindless Blog For A Special Programming Note..

or stop reading this and go watch CHUCK!!

Okay, so every year the Network honchos in their infinite "wisdom" (see what I did there? I made a funny.) decide which programs to renew and which to toss on the ever-growing heap of broken hopes and dreams. Granted, a lot of what's discarded is absolute crap (remember Caveman?), but for every ill-conceived train wreck of a show there are a number of well-produced, charming programs whose life spans are prematurely cut short due to Network Suits lack of commitment, imagination or foresight. High quality works of entertainment like Pushing Daisies, Arrested Development and Andy Richter Controls the Universe were never given a chance to find their audience. 

This year one of the most satisfying and entertaining hour-long shows Chuck is on the cancellation bubble. To lose this show would just ... blow. While other shows have faltered in their second season, reduced to drivel, Chuck has gotten smarter, wittier and just plain better.  My friend Sassman sums it all up much more eloquently than I. You can read his take on this whole affair here. 

Go ahead...read it. I'll wait. 

(whistles along to the many tunes in her head)

He's absolutely right about the last six episodes being amazing. I've said it before, this show has something for everyone...action, sexual tension, intelligently written witty story lines, youthful jargon that doesn't get on your nerves or make you feel completely old and out of touch and the most adorable lead character since...I don't know when. All of the characters--lead or lesser--fit...

Oh-oh. Wait a minute... World Cafe is playing the new Rhett Miller single. Must. Sing. Along.... You can sing along, too by clicking here. "Kissing in a classroom on a campus on the coast after hours of analysis..."  I absolutely LOVE alliteration! And it has one of the saddest little lines to  make your heart say ouch, "you tell me that you love me, yet you won't even hug me. So I need to know where I stand..."

Okay, I'm back. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, how all the characters--lead or lesser--fit together beautifully. Each one essential to the whole of the show. 

I mean look at them. They really seem to genuinely like each other.

So enough of my harping. Get in that living room, turn on NBC and watch Chuck as it's airing so the evil corporate suits can register your demographic. Do your part. Don't let this gem of program be cast to the slag heap. Your soul will thank you.