Now Serving Three-Legged, Gin-Soaked, Web-Footed Humanoids With a Dorsal Fin And Good Credit Only. Anyone?

or who do I have to screw around here to buy this farging disc?

Okay, so Friday my Geo invited me to lunch on Su-Su-Sushi with him and his office mates. The car was revved up and running before I hung up the phone. That is how much I loveloveLOVE sushi right now.

Anywho, I get to his office to find out the food won't arrive for another 45 minutes. So I hi-tail it to the nearby Buy More-ish box store to pick up the latest Ok, Go CD which was on sale for a mere $7.99.

Yes. $7.99. I know, right. Seriously. $7.99. How could I not buy this.

I grab the jewel case conveniently located in the front of the store and head for the check out. I'm making such great time I might even be able to hit the bank on the way back to raw-fish roll nirvana. I get to the check out zone to find only one register is open and there are like...ten of us waiting in line.

Okay, no biggie, right. The line should move fairly quickly. Oh wait. Another employee is opening a register. Sweet! My lucky day!

He bellows, "I can help the next person paying with credit, debit or cash." Seizing my opportunity to quickly get up and get gone, I sashay in behind two other Buy More customers. I'm going to make my banking date after all. Yee Haa!

I step up to the register and...

Bald Myopic Hipster Doofus Wanna Be: I'm sorry, Ma'am (okay that was this cat's first mistake...calling me "Ma'am"). I can't take cash here. I have no cash drawer.

Me: *blink blink* What? But...But you called for cash customers.

BMHDWB: Yes, well I misspoke. *mutters under breath-- "loser"* (by the way, Poser, I heard that quite clearly in your eye roll)

Me: But ... you said CASH. I heard you. How could you not have a cash drawer?!? *mutters under breath-- "poopyhead"*

PoseyWoseyManChild: NEXT!!! *But what he really said with his Barney Rubble eyes was "Step aside, Grandma. Move your saggy ass out the way for some real customers who can hear and process English."*

Me: What the French, TOAST!?!

And that's when it happened. I got caught in the retail loop of ineptitude.

There were three other lines forming at this point. I jumped in the one with a teller actively punching buttons into the register and no customer. This has promise.

NOT!

"This isn't open" she screeches, looking at me as if I had a half eaten monkey butt sticking out of my pie hole. At which point I do something I haven't done in quite some time. I actually lose it a wee bit and scream "...Oh Jesus CHRIST!!" Dammit! And I have been so f*cking good and calm lately. Good karma streak crushed along with my spirit. Thanks Box Store Beelzebub.

Then I step to the THIRD register to be told, all together now... "I can't take cash. I have a pea-sized brain, a drooling problem and a major Mommy complex, but I have NO CASH DRAWER!" Apparently no one at the Pfffft-You-Can't-Buy-It-Here-More can be trusted with actual money. Or maybe they are so flipping young, they've never seen or used physical legal tender before. What is this Earth cash of which you speak? (okay, so in my fantasy alien teens use proper English)

Holy Russel Crowe!?! I just want to buy something from you people!! Why is this so hard?!?

OhOhOhOh... That's what she said!!

So then, as the Fates would have their sick little joke on me, (bitches...) I end up in the original line, behind the original people with the original cashier. Very funny, Cosmos. Ha Ha. My sides are splitting. You should really go on tour with that humor. Now shut up and hand me that bag of frozen peas so I can slow the swelling where you bitch-slapped my face. A'ight.

Okay. I can do this. I'm next. Deep breaths.

But wait. The cashier...what is she doing...where is she... NO WAY... is she...moving? Are you kidding me?!? The computer is broken and she's moving to ANOTHER register. Are you f*cking serious?!?

*sigh* I'm never leaving this labyrinth, am I.

Now my jaw is hanging open all agape. I mean to tell you, I'm aghast and catching flies here. I look on in disbelief as she waves me over to the FOURTH LINE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!!

And that's when it hits me square between the eyes...

How completely and utterly absurd this line dance has become. I lose it again, but in a good way this time. I burst out laughing as though I've snapped my last twig. I have stepped into the Cirque du Soliel of Bizarro World. The Mr. Toad's Wild Ride of Retail Hell, condemned to its steamy depths by a dog in a judge's robe. I look at the man behind me who is embroiled his own dance of the absurd, shrug and follow my destiny.

I know it's not her fault but, Holy CRAP! All I wanted to do was buy a stinking CD. I didn't expect to run the gauntlet in search of the Holy Grail. And seriously. What store opens registers without cash drawers?!

I haven't had the energy to listen to OK, Go yet. It's too soon. Too raw. But the sushi... soul soothing. Aaaaaaaaa...