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Sunday, August 21, 2011

Giving The Devil His DooDoo
or keeping a promise to my loving extortionist

Okay, so Friday was the day Magellan set sail up my colon in search of new lands, exotic spices and naked chicks (why else would a guy voluntarilly venture up the dark tunnel if not for a naked boobies siting). Also known as Colonoscopy Day!!


Truth be told, it really wasn't that bad aside from:

1. not sleeping for fear of gushing the bed every 15 minutes
2. drinking yet another bottle of colon blow at 4am (because seriously, who needs sleep) WHILE sitting on the john
3. wiping neon yellow liquid from my burning, baboon-red buttock
4. having the nurse randomly stab my vein, spinning the IV needle around and around in a wide arc because apparently it's fun making the starving sap go clammy and pass out
5. realizing this shit gets humiliatingly ugly--literally--as the OR nurse straps on a full-face wielder's mask
6. being aware of what horrors are happening to my hindquarters halfway through the procedure, even though I was promised a drug to zap the event from my memory. Major FAIL! Although the first drug made me not even care.

Versed: 0  Demerol: 1

Dr. Buttmunch didn't find Jimmy Hoffa, the Holy Grail or the earring I lost last year, but he did find one Klingon, so I'm good to go for five years instead of ten. I'll take it. Maybe by then there will be some kind of Star Trekky, salt shaker gizmo he can just hover over my gut noninvasively instead of getting all up in my trunk. A girl can dream, right?

The whole procedure reminds me of the scene near the end of Animal House in which the Tri-Delts ram the Deathmobile into the viewing stands, knocking Carmine (the Mayor), Dean and Mrs. Horny-Wormer on their asses, prompting Mrs. W to say "You can take your finger out of my ass any time now, Carmine."


Going through this process begs two question:

1. People actually choose to drink a Satanic elixir to blast every organic particle out of their piping? What. The. HELL is wrong with them? Seriously.
2. Why? Why on earth would someone chose the human sewage system as a specialty. Why? I get why men would jump into Gynecology, but Gastroenterology? Why?!? WHY?!?

On a brighter note, I got a great, big-ass, gold star for spotless internal housekeeping. Woo Hoooo!!! Now if only I could drink some magical cocktail to clean my house as thoroughly. THAT would totally be worth a sleepless night hunkered down on the loo.

A colonoscopy is a necessary, albeit bizarre thing. However, I lack the skills to do full justice to the absurdity. I will leave that to two professionals, Dave Barry and the brilliant Billy Connolly. Enjoy!

Dave Barry's A Journey Into My Colon... And Yours

Behold! The brilliance of Billy Connolly:

Toilet paper in the fridge. Why didn't I think of that?