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Thursday, May 17, 2012

Where's A Penis When You Need One
or this is not what you think, Internet pervs who are googling porn and other random salacious shit

Okay, so the last couple... several... six days I've been dealing with (read: ignoring) the all-too-familiar symptoms of the plague in my peepee hole. You ladies know the ones: the annoying sense of having to tinkle an extra 100 times, not just the normal 28 times a day, followed by the white-hot poker burning your weewee, and urine as cloudy and thick as a finely poured Boddintons.

UTI country, BABY! Yeeee Haaaa!!

In a misguided attempt to delay the obvious trek to the clinic, I tried the holistic cranberry juice approach. Nature's Drano. Not so much this time.

Note 1: do you know how hard it is to find plain cranberry juice in vending machines? There are none. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Seriously. They're all blended with apple, raspberry, apple raspberry and the dreaded grape. I know what you're thinking. I could have just dragged my lazy, fat ass to the grocery store and BOUGHT a bottle of cranberry juice, but that's just crazy talk. I would have to actually GO TO THE GROCERY STORE and I'm kinda morally opposed to markets right now, which is code for I-just-can't-bear-to-buy-food-so-why-can't-someone-just-do-my-grocery-bidding-for-me-meanwhile-this-entire-paragraph-is-crap-and-not-at-all-worth-your-time-reading-it-so-sorry-to-waste-two-minutes-of-your-life-you'll-never-get-back-and-also-I-am-on-drugs-so-please-ignore-this-incoherent-hyphenated-rant-Thank-you--The management.

Note 2: spell check insisted on changing "weewee" to "peewee". heehee

Anywho, the discomfort was too great to ignore this morning so off to the clinic we went. Me and my burning bush.


After the usual 20 questions, including the one where I got the skunk eye about STDs, because clearly the doctor had read my bio regaling the world with tales of my whoring history, I was sent to the bathroom with a plastic cup to fill.

The first hurdle was trying to get the goddamn moistened towelette open to clean the shitz off my peep. No lie, that thing was made of nylon. I struggled and struggled, stretching the bastard, working up a sweat until I noticed the fucking notch. *sigh* So this is how it's going to go.  I swear I heard snickering when I finally freed the wipe.

I don't know about you, but I have never been good at catching urine in a cup without completely dousing my hand, arm, pant leg. Standing there, debating whether or not I should take my pants off altogether, trying to calculate the feasibility of shoving my man hand AND a big-ass cup between my legs and the toilet bowl, I thought "I could sure use a penis right now."

I mean, come on. How easy do guys have it. They don't even have to pull their pants down. Just unzip, place in cup, fill cup, walk away.

Note 3 (and perhaps the most important note of this post): don't EVER shake hands with a dude after a urine sample. They totally don't wash their hands, yo. ACK! Except for Geo. He always washes. With soap. Good man.

Me? I'm playing Frogger with the stream. There is absolutely no way to control it. It has a mind of its own. It's Satan's Stream. Complete with fiery horns to scrape your sphincter.

Start going... now hold the cup... wait, is it shooting out straight? to the left? Oh shit! It's running down my backside. Why is it running down my backside?!?! GodDAMMIT! MOTHERF*CKER! It's forked to the right... Great. Now it's all over my forearm. I have suspect pee ALL OVER MY GODAMN FOREARM! And my shirt sleeve. I'm burning this shirt. There better damn well be pee in this cup or I'm going all spider monkey on someone in my pee shirt.

There was. And it was cloudier than the suicide season in Seattle.

The verdict: I have the Mother of all UTIs. I don't do this shit half-assed, yo. It's all or nothing all up in my urethra.

I was given a wide berth and an armload of drugs. One to change my urine to a startling sunset orange and enough Cipro to clear this bad boy up and make a tidy profit on the Anthrax market.

Until next time ladies, drink plenty of fluids, make sure you and your one-night stand wash your junk BEFORE getting busy and keep wiping front to back!!

The more you know...