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Saturday, February 8, 2014

A Hot (Mess) Time In Sochi Tonight

Okay, so the Olympic Games are officially on in Sochi. The opening ceremonies went off with only a small hitch -- that being one ginormous snow flake failing to open to finish the Olympic rings. Not bad considering the horrendous accommodation fails leading up to the games.

News gatherers reported earlier in the week that the housing conditions were less than hospitable... Toilets not working, water shut off or unusable because in may "contain something very dangerous", door knobs falling off, etc. etc. etc.

There have been some hysterical live tweetings going on exposing the shoddy conditions. Stray cats populating hotels, no lobbies, missing manhole covers. You know, the usual upscale resort issues.

velcome to Russia
ve vill now melt your face vis toxic peepee vater
dis is vhy ve drrrrrink vodka, dahlinks

You can read all the pathetic, yet hilarious tweets here.
Speaking of bathrooms, what the hell does this mean?
actual bathroom signage
not even kidding
So, in conclusion, one is only permitted to urinate sitting down. No standing, no casting spells with your crotch wand, no hurling, no squatting, no fishing (because Westerners are apt to do that in the loo) and no...  Drywalling in awkward positions?!?  WTF??!?
Things didn't get any better once the athletes arrived. When US Bobsledder, Johnny Quinn tried to exit the bathroom after a much needed shower, he found himself unable to open the door. With no phone to call for help, he did the only thing he could to free himself from this tiny Russian prison.
He busted ass outta there like the Kool Aid Man!!
dosvidonia, motherf**ker
Thank Jehovah for the crappy workmanship. Amiright? As my always funny buddy, Jimmy McParkway posted on the interwebs, "In Russia, you don't lock door, door lock you." (so ends the racist portion of this post)

Oh my goodness. What a hot mess of a country. I can't wait to see what else goes awry.

But, hey, on a lighter note, this happened:

The Russian police guard sang Daft Punk's Get Lucky prior to the opening ceremonies.

No shit.

Check out this video. It's a hoot to watch the staunch reserve of some of the older guard erode as they gradually give in to the infectious groove of this ridiculously catchy tune. Mr. Bean there on the right cuts a fiiiiiiine white guy dance move, complete with obligatory lip bite. This video wins the internet today.

God bless you, Mother Russia. Now quit being a fucking right-royal DICK about homosexuals! Get over yourself. It's 2014, for Hell's sake.

And finally, this:

Sage Kotsenburg, king of slopestyle snowboarding 


Snowboarding is OUR JAM!