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Monday, March 5, 2012

On Being a Guy's Girl 
or you can call me Elaine Benes 

Okay, so I am not your typical frou frou, fancy-schmancy, delicate flower of girl. 

Not. In. The. Least.

I know. You're surprised, right?

By now you realize I'm more of a jeans-wearing, hockey-loving, potty-mouthed, loud-talking, cocktail-swilling, non-athletic-spazzy tomboy who enjoys belching, bawdy jokes and the company of boyish men. 

You know, a guy's girl, just like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld only, unlike Elaine, I DO have girlfriends...

who like to burp and curse and make off-colored remarks.

If it wasn't for me wee boobies and va-jay you'd think I was a dude. Thank Jehovah I don't have man-hands to go with the yeti beard, because THAT would just be sick, yo. 

Case in point, when someone in the control room at the Special K utters an unintentional double entendre like "how long is Ralph's package?", "Just stick it in, Slie", or "insert Johnson",  the Technical Director screams MURRAY!! knowing full well I'll exclaim the obligatory "that's what she said" with the proper verve. Twelve-year-old boy humor abounds with prevalent banter about banana hammocks, absolute ball room and getting punched in the baby maker. 

Wow. When I write it down on virtual paper, we kinda sound like a bunch of a-holes. 

But back to me...

I get sent all manner of hysterical, questionable material from my peeps. Stuff like...

nothing says  I Love You like some free porn
and carbs
excessive liquor CAN lead to bungholes
(the more you know)

Oh Anthony. How I've missed your headlines

can you say Viagra?

how unfortunate


And perhaps my favorite:

Is it wrong I love that they think of me first when they spot gems like these?

It's my absolute favorite thing about being an anti-femme. I'm constantly getting the most HILARIOUS photos and shit from my favorite pinheads. I choose to believe my Momma, Big Mar is proud of her youngest who inspires such juvenile behavior she shakes her head and wonders where she went wrong.

Even Geo has picked up the gauntlet.
that's some talented taint

God, I love him. Are we meant for each other, or what? He suffers my mannishness with grace and aplomb... and Bloody Marys.

Vodka. holding marriages together for over 25 years

Yep. It's all fun and games until some

goes and sends me this...
that's gonna add a few years of therapy to the tally

the creepiest of creepy shit to scare ten years off my life, which in turn makes

And you don't want to piss off the pasta, man. Trust me. He's one baaaaaad Mutha.