more from the world of middle (age) earth
Okay, so it used to be I would never dare go a day without showering. And I would never EVER be caught dead outside the confines of my shuttered hovel without being fully groomed. Hell, I couldn't even muster an hour in my jammies after waking without feeling so gross and disgusting I had to jump in the piping hot shower to burn off the stank. And my hair... forget it! Flat on one side, unruly on the other. There was no way I could face the day with that hot mess on my head.
But that was when I had hormones.
Or maybe I just gave a shit back then.
Nowadays, I look forward to my Saturday so I can be a complete and utter slug and forgo my date with Mr.Waterpik. And guess what. I leave the house sans wash, too. No qualms about it. No qualms. None.
I know. Gross, right? What the hell's happened to me??!?
The weird thing is these days my hair ACTUALLY LOOKS BETTER WHEN I DON'T SHAMPOO than the day I wash the shitz from its follicles. Sorry about the screaming, but this fact blows my mind so much, I felt the need to yell. My locks are poofier, shinier and more obedient after a night of rest. And by "rest" I mean fitful, spinning-like-a-chinchilla, sweating-from-the-boobs-up sleep. And get this, I got no problem going to work with oiled-up, bed head. Zero issue. Zip.
Again...what the fuck is wrong with me?! Is this the start of my slippery metamorphic slope to becoming the neighborhood overly fragrant, gapped-toothed crone in the tattered bathrobe and filthy fuzzy slippers who roams the streets in search of her sixteen feral cats?!??
JESUS, TAKE THE WHEEL!!
I'm counting on my friends to put the beat down on that crazy lady shit. I'm not even kidding. I'm putting the Sisters Pelini and all my girlfriends on notice. Henceforth, y'all are contractually obligated to let me know when I have a rogue, wiry three-inch-long chin hair, there are hangers quivering out of my nostrils, and now when I need to get my wrinkly, stinky carcass under the shower head. I will totally do you the same solid.
You gotta little something in your tooth...no, the other side...wait, no next tooth...there you go.