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Thursday, December 18, 2008

"The Horrors...The Horrors..." 
or Christmas in the Suburbs ain't what it used to be (a dark tale)

Okay, so usually people move from the city limits to the suburbs for a sense of safety. Sure they'll tell you it's because the schools are better or there's more lawn space or the air is cleaner, but in reality it's because the burbs are perceived as gun-free safety zone. That and basically a lot of white people are afraid of folks of ACBW...any color but white. 

We live in the suburbs because we both grew up in boroughs outside the city line. It's what we know. And for the most part it's a quiet, peaceful existence. Okay so the burbs are not immune to the occasional whack-job, hillbilly-like neighbor who insists on storing every broken appliance on his porch because "he'll get to it later" or some random act of teenage mischief. But for the most part it's safe enough to not have forty locks on the front door. Or so I thought...

Today I was driving a mere street away from my humble domicile when I stumbled upon this most horrible crime scene. 

The carnage was so vast Law and Order could use it for one of their "ripped from the headlines" episodes if they could stop retching at the sight of such senseless devastation. What could possess someone to slaughter so many innocent seasonal icons? 

Have they no soul? 

To stab Frosty in the back and leave him to aspirate in a plot of soggy grass. That's just cold, Dawg! 

He's just trying to make the young folk smile, is all. He's made of snow, not blow. And how about his two little buddies...using Stewie Griffin to crack their skulls, and then just toss him on the heap like an old discarded shoe. He may be diabolical, but Stewie's just a baby! What the ef?

And what about Cool Yule Santa? He delivers hopes and dreams to all the tiny boys and girls. What could he have been doing to warrant such an attack? 

Look at his smile. He was obviously enjoying himself when he got whacked...hey, wait a minute. What's that pink thing spread out over "Santa's trap door"? Is that... Is that a--HOOKER? Was CY Santa sampling the Hos? 

Holy Crap!?! 

What the hell? Did my sleepy little hamlet suddenly turn into freaking Blue Velvet?! Eww that a severed ear in the grassy knoll? Could these beloved characters have been involved in some unspeakable explicit activities? Here?

Maybe I was all wrong. Maybe I didn't stumble on to a deathly tableau of innocent bystanders. Maybe what I discovered was forced penance from the shimmering blade of justice wielded by a most unlikely source...

Don't mess with Rigid Righteous Santa. That Dude is tough. Ho Ho Ho, mother plucker.

(maybe we should consider moving to the city)

1 comment:

~*Jenn*~ said...

Omg. I stumbled across this blog from F U Penguin (Love him, or her, think it's a her personally) and you are hilarious. Yet another blog that I'll have to check daily. Jeez!