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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Sometimes I Make Life So Hard...

Okay, so I was cleaning up one of the many piles of crap in our bedroom (I know. Crazy isn't it.!) when I came across a large stack of greeting cards I'd received for various numbered birthdays and anniversaries.

I have friends with well-honed senses of humor. Honestly they would not be my friends otherwise. It was great fun sifting through this plethora of paper. It's funny what people associate you with. Drinking in abundance, be it wine or margaritas, is a big theme amongst numerous birthday greetings, as well as my love for acquiring footwear. Apparently when my birthday roles around each year, my family and friends share this philosophy: Marie + birthday = booze and shoes. Oh and let's not forget the delightful double entendre, 12-year-old boy humor.

Yes. My friends know me very well.

My bud, Jude's cards always make me laugh and cry. She writes such straight-from-the-heart, sincere sentiments. Sweet and genuine "I love you, Man" moments. Beets and Suzette fluctuate between full-on absurdity and heartfelt, with a side of sarcasm.

Howard however wins the trophy for most outrageous, off-the-wall greetings. Here's a sampling:

"I looked on the Internet to find a present for you. But all I found was porn for me."
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to North Carolina. Please return your hair to its full, upright position."
"They loved their husbands, and everyone elses, too. For they were whores."

Ha Ha Ha!!

I've been able to weed out a lot of these missives, but there remains a sizable stack with which I cannot part, the majority being various greetings from the love of my life, Geo.

They are beautiful cards filled with declarations of love and devotion. Expressions of how blessed he feels to have found me. How happy and full his life is now we're together. Of walking down life's path, hand-in-hand, growing old and grey together (Okay. I'll still be a redhead).

I teared up the day I received these lovely notes. This morning they made me well up again, but for a different reason. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of sadness. Geo and I have been having a difficult time of late. The conflict stems from me. I have not been holding up my end of the relationship bargain very well lately. And by lately I mean the last six months or so. I've developed interests which have taken away precious time from our already limited day-to-day interactions. And he's angry about it. Rightly so since the time is being wasted in completely stupid and trivial ways.

For someone who yaps a lot...a LOT, I don't know how to do this communication thing very well. I don't know how to really, truly verbalize what's in my heart. I don't know what to say to convince him he is the center of my world. I am woefully inadequate when it comes to speaking about what really matters. And my actions of late are pretty unconvincing.

I don't want to fuck up my marriage. Perhaps it's time I see a therapist. For real.

Finding Geo has been the biggest blessing in my life. I don't want to lose him. He asked me why I stay with him. It's pretty simple really. He's my heart, my soul, my true North. The one who makes me laugh. The one who good naturedly executes my hair-brained schemes. The one who gives me strength and confidence to face the world. The one whose hugs heal my soul. The one person on earth who is completely and brutally honest with me, yet somehow never loses faith in me. He is my constant. He makes me want to be a better person. I'd be lost without him.


I hope he can forgive me. The disappointment in his eyes crushes me. He deserves a better wife.

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