I Need An Old Priest And A New Priest
or mixing it up with Mephistopheles
Okay, so on my way back from the odyssey that is grocery shopping, I pulled into the gas station to fuel up because I was basically driving on fumes and borrowed time. The store in which I shop has this discount fuel perks thing going on where you save so much off a gallon of gasoline with every $10 you spend on food, non-perishables, Phillipino house boys...
Anywho, my afternoon visit netted me a whopping $.62 off each gallon, and I was primed to cash in on that baby. So I pull up to the pump, open the gas cap and turn to punch the numbers from my card into the pump in order to get my discount...only the prompt read "swipe payment card or fuel discount card".
I don't have a discount card with a magnetic strip. Instead I have one of those ubiquitous key fob tabs with a UPC code. However I have to punch the numbers in because none of the genius station owners bothered to install a UPC reader on their pumps. Which leads to the question, what the hell am I supposed to do now to cash in on my discount?
Then I noticed a small square box with the word "yes" next to it at the bottom of the screen. Okay. I'll bite. What could it hurt, right? I tapped the yes box. Up pops a prompt reading "swipe your discount card". So I start typing the numbers from the back of my key fob and hit enter.
I wait... and wait... and wait.
Finally the screen spits out the phrase, "InvalidentryYoumustreenternumberorconsu..."
What the ef? It didn't even finish its own thought. So, thinking I punched in an incorrect number, I try again. Same result. Nada. So I try one more time because clearly, I am a slow learner. This time I get:
"Invalid entry, Loser! Did I ask you to punch in the numbers? NO! I asked you to swipe your damn card, Monkey Girl!"
Hey! Hey! Hey! There's no need to get snarky with me. Fine! I'll just swipe my credit card and only buy a few gallons of gas. I'll show you.
So I swipe my credit card and lo and behold, up pops the prompt "would you like to use your fuel perks, hmmmm? yes or no"
Hellz yeah! But just as I was reaching to hit the "you bet your ass" button, the screen cleared leaving me with a "Psyche! Too late! Choose your octane & get moving, lard ass."
That's when I started to suspect this particular pump was possessed. Beelzebub was slumming at the Sunoco and dicking with me.
Thinking I was onto this demon's evil game, I cleared the screen, swiped my card and waited--finger poised ready to strike the "yes" option with break-neck speed.
AHA!! I've got you this time, you son of a biscuit eating bulldog!
"HaHaHa!! Don't make me laugh! I can't believe you fell for that AGAIN!? This is just too easy. You really are dumber than a box of hammers, aren't you? Get a move on, asshat. Pump your stupid gas and get out of here. I grow tired of your slow-witted nature."
Shut up! You are so mean. Gaaaaawd! Did you not eat lunch, or what?
Feeling like a total loser, I pump my 3 gallons and replace the nozzle. Then in its sweetest Southern drawl Lucifer's screen asks:
"Would you like a receipt? Yes or No"
I paused, thinking "Pfft! Like I should believe a word you say." But, of course being the complete stoopid jerk I am, I bit once again. There were printing sounds emanating from the machine. Seemed hopeful. Then out spits this receipt:
That's right... Blank. Completely blank. Oh give me a freaking break! Of course! That is just perfect! Seriously?
Evil laughter echoed around me. I had been pwned once again by the Spawn of Satan inhabiting the gas pump. It was so absurd, even I had to laugh.
You won this round, you Devil in douche bag.