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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

When Burgers Are Posers
and other unexpected catalog fodder

And now for something completely salty... In an attempt to illustrate the mood swings of my literary stylings of late I present the following:

Okay, so it's that time of year when several dells are decimated by the parade of catalogs monopolizing our mailbox. Among the plethora of publications is a catalog called Solutions. It offers tons of crap which are supposed to make life's day to day duties easier. Believe it or not, some of it is actually useful.

While perusing through the most recent of the 2800 copies we get a year, Geo stumbled on this one-of-a-kind must have for the discerning picnic thrower. I give you... the Ham Dogger

"Make a hamburger with a "hot dog" twist--even stuff it!!"

That's right. A wiener shaper for your meat, because it ain't a party until your burger looks like a wang.

"Gee Honey. Our parties have been lacking a nez ce johnson."

Hey that reminds "boyfriend" is on the fritz. Do you have a "solution" for that? No prob. Check out page 123.

What the?!?
Wha?!? So when the hell did Solutions become your place for personal "massagers" to *Ahem* soothe aching muscles? Tucked away in the later part of the catalog are all sorts of intimate accoutrement.

That one's "Ultra Smooth" and has a daisy in it for the ladies who like to be romanced, even when it's by their own hand, so to speak. What gal can resist a glassed-in posey ticklin' her mitten? Now if it would mix me a mean Mojito prior to the "luvin"-- I'm in, BABY!

Can't you just hear Betty, your friendly Indian phone bank operator saying, "Please to suggest customers who bought de Ham Dogger also bought de Whisper of Destiny 'relaxer'."

Whisper Destiny
nubby in all the right places
Good thing the Ham Dogger and that battery-powered puppy aren't on the same page.

Ladies. Same old burger giving you the blahs? Got an itch that needs scratching? Have we got a Solution for you! But please, for the love of all that is freshly ground...don't confuse the two.


Meanjeen said...

Oh boy, this one had us in tears, thanks Marie, always for laughs! :D

Murray said...

If you hurry you might be able to get a ham dogger or three delivered in time for your Halloweenie party. :-)