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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Attack Of The Killer Hot Dog Bun 
or Dude...we nearly killed a guy
diabolical hot dog
he's a mean mother
(courtesy of threadless tees)

Okay, so yesterday we had two hot dog eating contestants on our little morning dog and pony show, Pittsburgh Today Live, aka PTL (Jesus loves you). Anywho, one guy was a so-called professional eater, the other a mere novice at the delicate art of gorging oneself for money. There also was an EMT responder in the wings.

An EMT guy? Really? A bit of overkill, right.

So the stage was set with a plate of two hot dogs with buns and a large glass of water for each participant. The idea was each chomping champion would demonstrate his winning method of shoveling an entire hot dog and accompanying bun in his gullet at the speed of light.

First of all... EWWWWwwww.

Few things are as disgusting as watching some numb nut gorge himself on tubes of processed horse hooves, mystery-meat by-product and ground earthworms. Okay, listening to someone inhale copious amounts of this crap is worse. Trust me.

But I digress...

The "Pro" steps up first, showing off his break-in-two-shove-down-piehole method of weiner consumption, followed by a healthy dipping of the bun in water, expertly reducing the girth of the bread from its original inch to a meager quarter inch, thus enabling him to swallow the thing whole.

Again, EWwwwwwwww.

Not to be outdone, the novice nibbler grabbed both hot dogs and wolfed them down. I cannot even convey to you how disgusting that audio was. When he dipped his bun (hot dog, that is), however, it didn't look much smaller than its original undipped form.

This is a key point here.

He proceeded to scarf that puppy down, and....

Clearly something didn't go quite as he'd planned.

He started to gag (as I'm sure you're doing now just thinking about this spectacle) and stepped off the set with a look of sheer panic in his eyes. It was apparent he was having trouble breathing. Someone needed to dislodge that bastard bread ball from his throat. Someone like, oh I don't know, maybe the EMT guy. Remember him? Standing in the wings just in case something untoward occurred.

Yeah, well the urgency of the situation wasn't registering to this health professional until this choking cat started wildly gesturing towards is throat in a kind of macabre charades.

Um... two words. First word sounds like "yelp".  Belt, melt, felt... HELP!
Second word, sounds like "get your ass over here and help me, you stupid bastard before I clock you in the nards"

EMT guy finally strolls up, so I'm thinking great, he'll give him the Heimlich and this hideous spectacle will all be behind us, right?

(for all the Eddie Izzard fans)
is it me, or are you getting a
distinct homo-erotic German vibe
from this image, too?


Instead he puts his arm around him, chats him up, asks about the family, starts to discuss the fate of the much-maligned Pirates management, all the while weiner man is shoving his entire fist down his throat in a desperate attempt to, you know, SURVIVE. Keep in mind our guest hurler is still hooked to the mic, which is on a short cable, which is tethered to the set.

One word: Holy CRAP!! (okay, two words)

To recap: the guest is literally choking in front of the set, the EMT guy is taking his good ole time to perform the hug of life and I'm running to get a trash can while yelling into the headset for the director to end the segment, which she doesn't because no one in the booth has any idea about the graphic expectorating that is about to unfold.

By the time I run back to the set, the deed is done, so to speak, the evidence of said act present on both the floor and the shoes of our now completely humiliated guest.

And yet, the segment is still going on. Live. Over the air. Complete with off-stage sound effects of a non-appetising fashion.

Here's the best part. As I reached over to unplug the mic from the cable so he could take his sorry ass to the men's room and clean up, I realized the entire gruesome pantomime was played out in direct eye line of our host.

No shit. She couldn't NOT look at it. How the hell she didn't lose her cookies, I'll never know. A chain reaction ralph. Now that would have been a first.

And how's this for irony, the cooking segment dogs wrapped in crescent rolls. I kid you not. Who says the Universe doesn't have a sense of humor.

it sho' does

Death by weiner bun. Not exactly the way you'd want to meet your maker.

Local television is getting so gangsta, Yo.

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