or cleaning up my crap and throwing it your way
Okay, so I used to jot fragments of thoughts on torn slips of paper and toss them on my increasingly cluttered dresser to blog about later, similar to Liv Tyler's character, Lucy in that gorgeous, provocative and touching film, Stealing Beauty, only mine were far less poetic or interesting.
(Rent this lovely movie. It will make you smile, cry a little and long to live in Tuscany for a summer just once in your mundane little life.)
I've made great strides in breaking myself of this scrap-stacking habit, but now instead of junking up my dresser top, I've cluttered up the notes app on my iPhone. Henceforth is some of the nonsense stashed on my electronic BFF.
1. Dude, My Phone Speaks in Tongues
I get lots of spammy emails from cruises to debt reduction to singles dating, but we'll get to that later. Every so often, my phone has a religious epiphany and starts speaking in tongues in the subject lines.
|get your epidural crankpin|
out of my naughtily psychologic zooplasty
|i'm sure there's a cream for|
...or maybe it has Tourettes. (It said boobies. hee hee) Whatever. It looses it's mind and sounds like this to me.
2. Dude, My Phone Wants To Pimp Me Out
No shit. My phone is constantly trying to hook me up with singles. And not just white singles either. It tries to tempt me with perspective mates from all corners of the world...Asian, Indian, black, Jewish, Latinos, seniors....
Okay, the seniors one stings a little. What the Hell are you trying to tell me, Pimpbot? I'm so beyond my freshness date that my best bet is skip the youngins and head right to the hearing aid and cataract club? That's cold, dawg. Well, guess what, asshat. The joke's on you. I'm already married. PFFFFFFFT!
3. Dude, C is for Captain
|Oh Captain, My Captain|
Ever since Captain Heartthrob, Sidney Crosby was sidelined once again in late December from recurring concussion symptoms suffered after a hit, the Pens slipped into a losing streak. Last week there was rumor of grumblings from some of the players frustrated by the scoring slump that Sid has been dogging it in his rehab, that he is actually healthy enough to play and that it's time for a new captain to get them back on track.
Local sports writer, Dejan Kovecovic penned a terrific article defending Sid and his desperate desire to return to the ice to play the game he eats, lives and breaths. How anyone can question Sid's passion is insane. The following day during their morning skate, every team member wore a "C" on his shirt as a sign of solidarity with their fallen leader.
|K is Russian for Kaptain|
In an instant, fans across the interwebs added Cs to their profile pictures on FaceBook and Twitter, taped Cs to their jerseys to be prominently visible when they sat in the stands and altered their children's hockey uniforms.
|way to go, l'il pens|
That's gotta make Sid feel loved. This overwhelming outpouring brings a tear to my eyes and makes me proud to be a Pittsburgh Penguins hockey fan. Oh, and ever since this public show of faith, the Pens have won their last three games. Holla!
We love you Sid! Take your time. Get better. We'll wait for you. But please, for the love of all that's holy, leave that crappy beard at home.
4. I Have Drank From The Pinterest Kool Aid
Yeah, like I need ANOTHER time-suck distraction. ACK!!
Pinterest is an electronic bulletin board where you can archive all the things that interest you, pinning them to a particular board to reference later for projects or recipes or purchases or travel destinations, or in my case to sit there in perpetuity, ignored and rotting on the vine.
I don't have much pinned on mine yet except for a couple photos of Paul Rudd and Rhett Miller...what? you're surprised? Really? It's like you don't even know me.
Anywho, I can see how you can sit down for "just 10 minutes" and five hours later, still have your head plastered to this site never having noticed that the sun has gone down, the room is dark except for the unhealthy blue glow emanating from your Mac and your starving children are clawing at you for food for the last hour.
It's like crack. Pretty, shiny, pointlessly addictive crack.
Now leave me alone. I have some pinning to do.
5. Swatting The Heavy Legislative Hand With Humor
Yesterday, in protest of the SOPA and PIPA legislative vote (supported by Corporations, natch) which would end the use of the internet as we know it, numerous websites like Wikipedia and Reddit, staged a blackout. Speaking of Wikipedia, HappyPlace.com compiled a list of bizarre topics blocked by the voluntary blackout like Uncombable Hair Syndrome, Toilet Related Injuries and Deaths, and Swastika Forests.
no copyright infringement intended
don't tase me, bro
If passed, this bill could effectively shut down this lame-ass blog and throw my ass in jail for posting videos and photos of others "intellectual property". What are we, China? How about focusing on prosecuting real criminals like those bankers who bilked the public of billions of dollars, took bail out money at no interest then gave themselves ginormous bonuses... They didn't post concert footage, so they're safe.
One of the websites that went dark is the always irreverent The Oatmeal. Leave it to the Oatmeal to explain it in such brilliantly weird fashion. Watch here.
Yesterday's movement may be over, but it's still not too late to contact your representatives. Here's a link to locate your personal political yahoo and defend a free and open internet.
Do it for Oprah and Jesus.
|and the Lord sayeth,|
keep thy interwebs free