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Sunday, July 20, 2014

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." - Maya Angelou

I've been thinking about these wise words a lot over the past several months. I am a lucky woman blessed with many friends located near and far. Each of them fit into a particular facet of my splintered personality. Each is a wonderful human being whose strengths, weaknesses and idiosyncrasies add brilliant colors to my life's paint box. Each is a unique spirit, whose light, kindness and humor bring unmitigated joy to this ole bag o' bones.

There are levels of closeness in relationships. Some of these outstanding humanoids have struck a chord deep within my soul. We trust each other implicitly. We have built a bond which enables us to be our true selves, warts and all, without fear of rejection. Destined to be friends forEVAH no matter the physical distance between us.

Others in this marvelous Whitman Sampler fall into more of a group designation. Kindred spirits in a specific interest, be it music, athletic activity (which is code for drinking wine in yoga pants*), or a common hobby/passion. And some I refer to as my imaginary friends**. These are the people I've befriended via social media whom I've never met, but who make me laugh, cry and think every day.

Like I said, I'm blessed.

I try to be the best friend I can to each of my peeps, and let them know how much joy they bring to my pitiful existence. I know I'm far from perfect, but I try really hard not to be an asshole.

And yet, there are several people I have been very close with who have suddenly pushed me to arm's length. Okay, not so suddenly. The signs have been there, building for a year, but I have been in foolish denial mode BECAUSE I LIKE THEM, DAMMIT!! We were really tight, or so I thought. Where once phone conversations and texts were prevalent, now my messages are generally ignored and calls put off. I mean, I can see being shunned if I had breached a trust or some other such heinous action, but to my knowledge I have done nothing to poison the well. It's the not knowing why that I abhor.

It stings.

And hurts.

A lot.

So many amazing people in my life, and I focus my sights on the ones who are done with me, like a dog in a room full of animal lovers who insists on winning over the one dissenter.

In one case, this presumed former friend is like a cat, and we all know how cats are… cold, aloof, operating on their own agenda. But we were close, you know? She was my confidant, my pragmatic sounding board. We got along well. I don't understand her 180.

In another, the contact was much more frequent. Major bonding over lots of long phone calls, happy hours and visits. Our kinship was strong. We share so much common ground, which is probably why this particular fade plagues me the most. I'm not stupid. I recognize some friendships have a shorter shelf life, but I invested a lot of time and effort into these relationships. I believe I have earned an explanation as to why I suddenly lost my usefulness. I've reached out innumerable times, only to have my hand left bobbing in the icy wind. 

I miss them, and others, however, it is clear I have become an option, not a priority. Even though my heart refuses to let go, in my head, I know it's time to cut the chord and let that balloon float away...

*totally stolen from the interwebs
**totally stolen from my buddy, Steph

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