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Wednesday, September 23, 2015

In Which My Back Deck Turned Into A Halloween Nightmare

Okay, so sometimes nature freaks me the hell OUT, especially the insect ilk.

I mean, I'm perfectly happy to coexist with these creepers who, thank the Baby Jesus, are minuscule because HOLYGOODGODALMIGHTY man-sized, furry-legged, pincher-faced bugs is a nightmare world I don't want to dwell in. EVER.

On the list of Horror Show macrocosms it goes:

1. Clowns rule the world
2. Man-sized bugs
3. All Tony Danza, all day, on all media sources
(that one's for Jimmy McParkway)

By far the king of the insect realm that makes me most consistently lose my shit, is the spider. 

They are my arch enemy.

And yes, I know they aren't insects. They are arachnids. Carnivorous, eight legged, beady-eyed bastards that crawl all over your fat face, bury their progeny in your earholes and steal a little of your soul while you slumber. 

BLEEEEEEECHYAAAA! I can feel them in my hair now. 

The thing that pisses me off the most about spiders is their ambush. You know what I'm talking about. You're minding your own business, brushing the chunks of brontosaurus burger from your fangs, bend down to spit out toothpaste (in the most elegant, ladylike fashion, of course), stand up and BAMMO!


And don't even get me started about the unintended web walk-through. Let's do the math, shall we? Solve for x.

3:30am + walk to the car + silky web threads on the face = embarrassing spastic ninja moves 

x = Xanax and a bottle of red to stop scratching your scalp raw

I rest my case
This brings me to this afternoon.

Today was a picture perfect, September afternoon: cloudless, warm, breezy. 

Side Note: How the HELL is it late September already???!? Jebus, Time Lords. Lighten up already.  

The Special K has been particularly whack this week with studio changes, cliff-note audio training, and other fresh Hell that zapped my brain, so I decided to capitalize on the sunshine and decompress outdoors in the serenity of our backyard oasis. Seeking the solace of the sun-drenched deck swing, I sauntered past the table...

head first into the MOTHER OF ALL WEBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*insert aforementioned spastic ninja moves here

No shit! I'm a huge fan of hyperbole, but no lie, this contraption spanned five frelling feet! This thing was like monster huge. Like luxury, high-rise web huge. If Donald Trump was a spider, this bad boy would have his name plastered on it. 

Maybe Trump HAS morphed into a spider overnight, because when I finally saw the bastard, he was fat and orange and ornery just like that misogynistic miscreant. 

I grabbed a kitchen broom, spied the fine threads of the intricate weave glistening in the sun, and sliced the bright blue handle through the delicate pattern over and over and over and over and over, as any rational person would do. Now the search was on for The Donald who had crawled in the folds of the table umbrella. I opened the umbrella one foot, and poked at the beast until it dropped to the table and rolled into a ginormous angry ball of hate. 

Honest to Jehovah, I planned to catch and release the monstrosity to the wilds of our garden from the end of my six foot pole. Okay, maybe I was plotting to cast it in our nemesis neighbor's digs, but the point is I was going to let it live, until it leapt back towards me, then all bets were OFF. He was going DOWN!! 

It took a few rounds of me shrieking, him charging, me jumping...and shrieking...and jumping some more before I pinned him to the ground and beat. The. SHIT out of him, as one does when one is an arachnophobe in a life and death struggle with ones arch enemy. I am STILL combing my fingers through my mop of hair to rid myself of the persistent creepy-crawly feeling. 

Aaaaa, but this is not the end of Terror Town. After I swept the crumpled remains from the deck, I found myself face to face with this. 



Uh-Uh. Sorry, Dude. You picked the wrong day to set up shop in my planter. I grabbed the napalm and firebombed his ass. Alright it was hairspray, but same difference. Froze his black and yellow ass, but good. 

Stupid nature. It was a GD Halloween nightmare on our deck. Now I gotta go burn that broom. And curl up in a corner. And pretend there are no spiders in my earholes. 

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