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Friday, December 26, 2008


Friday Photo #7 
or what's on top of your tree?

Every year my Card Club pals and I exchange hideous crap in a Yankee Swap. This beauty has been passed  around for years. After much liquor, merriment and mayhem at this year's soiree, we decided to leave our mark on our host, Duckie's Christmas tree. Kinda makes you in want to sing Silver Bells doesn't it?

Severed Head...
Severed Head...
Staring at me from my tree top.
Oh My God! Who's the knob?
You've ruined my Christmas day.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Tis The Season
in which I reflect on the blessings in my life

2008 started off inauspiciously.

Geo, my love, found himself on the receiving end of pink slip. His studio decided to downsize, and without warning we went from DINKs to SINKs. Unlike other times, however, he received a severance package as well as unemployment. Shocked by the sudden down turn in our fortune and a little depressed, he was still able to restart his free lance business, keep our coffers afloat and spend some quality time with me. We even got to go away to New York for his birthday in the Spring.

He has since been hired by a another graphics firm. I'm happy to say they love him and treat him very well indeed. It's nice to see him get the respect he deserves. His spirit is a lot lighter these days. What was at first perceived as a hardship has turned out to be a huge blessing and the cosmic kick in the ass he needed to move forward.

Our families are healthy and doing well. We had a scare with my brother-in-law this year. At first it looked like he may have a cancerous tumor in his lung, but miraculously the spot disappeared. The kids in our family are thriving in college and growing up nicely. My Mom, Big Mar is still kicking around at the ripe old age of 87. She's slowing a bit, but her mind is still sharp. She and her girlfriends still get together for cards every month. Now if we could only get her to wear her hearing aid....

We got to spend a lot of quality time with our friends this year. Our buds Doug and Bill both turned 50 this year. We were lucky enough to celebrate this milestone with each of them. Doug's wife threw a great party for him in February. 

Bill's was celebrated on the golf course at Seven Springs in September. Apparently 50-year-old white men can still jump :D

Old friends returned from living abroad to settle in as our neighbors. Now most of my favorite people live within walking distance. I even got to reconnect with an old friend, Nancy, who I haven't seen in nearly 30 years. It was as though we were never apart.

Our social life was completely filled with monthly wine tastings, baseball games, hockey games, dinners, weekends away with the gals, Broadway plays, Arts Festivals, neighborhood bar crawls, dinner and cocktails on the deck and lots and lots of music.

We got to spend another memorable evening at a house concert with the incomparable Francis Dunnery...
and cultivated a renewed interest in Old 97's from their free summer concert performance which grew into a full-on obsession (okay, only I obsess) by the time they returned in October (chronicled here, if you care to subject yourself to my frenzy), and capped it off with a spectacular Rhett Miller solo gig in Hoboken (a Christmas present to myself).


And I finally got off my lazy ass and started writing a blog. 

I was kinda nervous about putting my writings out there for public consumption, you know, because I might really, really suck at it. But I have to say I'm enjoying the process immensely. I appreciate all the support from my friends and family who read this daily or just from time to time. And for the two or three readers who have no personal connection to me, thanks. I hope to continue to earn your following. 

But by far my biggest blessing this year (and every other year) is Geo's presence in my life. His irrefutable love, support and encouragement is what propels me forward, keeps me on track and makes life on this crazy blue planet worthwhile. 

May your Christmas be filled with the love and laughter of family and friends. 

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

What Do You Get The Person With Everything?
Pete's delicious Schweddy Balls, of course! 

It's Christmas Eve. Enjoy this SNL classic. I never get tired of this! (Sorry about the advert at the top.)




Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Last Minute Christmas Goodies 
or ummmm...thanks? 

Okay so, Netscape.aol is our default home page on Safari. The other day they had a list of the wierdest gifts to give this holiday season. I must admit...I agree. Here are some of my favorites. Remember, these are all actual products available for purchase. Really. I kid you not.

Anti-Monkey Butt Powder. I thought we humans were evolved far enough not to smell of monkey butt, but hey. Whatever. This powder claims to "keep a certain region dry and smelling fresh". Wait there's more, it claims to take care of that dicey dilemma "whether you ride motorcycles or horses, play sports or just sit on your big, fat buttocks all day". It's long lasting, too. Sold!

Not for you, well maybe this will suit your fancy.

Subtle-Butt, another derriere directive is a disposable deodorizer which eliminates gas smells with the latest space-aged antimicrobial carbon technology. Don't you just love technology. You simply attach Subtle-Butt to your underwear and..Voila! you are free to pass gas until your heart's content and no one will be the wiser. "It's great for use in crowds or after a particularly gassy meal." Now that's a claim we all might want test. It comes in packs of five saving graces...and two Hail Marys.

But I think my favorite is this gem.

That's right. Chicken Poop Lip Balm, because nothing says "Kiss Me!!" more than a set of luscious lips lined with fecal matter. Not just any fecal matter...eco-friendly, free range fecal matter. Available at Walgreens.

Happy shopping.

Monday, December 22, 2008

"This Is What Christmas Is All About, Charlie Brown"
or how I spent my week trying to get my Christmas spirit back

Okay, so I've been in a real funk the last couple of weeks. Totally devoid of any sort of Christmas cheer. Normally I'm the kind of person who really gets into the whole spirit of the season. You know, like obnoxiously upbeat and in your face with all the happiness and good cheer...baking and decorating and buying lots o' stuff for others and generally overly enthusiastic.

But this year for some reason, the Christmas crunch season pissed me off. I really didn't give a shit. I did everything half-assed. Seriously. The decorations were half up...the empty space where the tree should be, mocked me...Geo hadn't finished painting this year's card...I hadn't even wrapped anything even though I had three soirees in one week to attend requiring wrapped packages. And yet I really, REALLY didn't care if any of it was finished. Not like me AT ALL.

I couldn't even stand to be near myself.

My recovery effort began on Thursday. Our hip, local public radio station, WYEP (the very best station in the whole-wide-world I might add--now downstreaming on the web, check it out) held its first ever Holiday Hootenanny Members Appreciation party. They had cookies, cocktails and a band named "Silver and Gold" comprised of members from about eight or nine local bands to play Christmas music.

It was great fun. They covered all sorts of festive songs...from classics like Silver Bells and Sleigh Ride to less traditional fare like the Kinks' Father Christmas and Bruce's Santa Claus is Coming to Town. They even had a couple (she about two hours from giving birth, swilling a pseudo Cosmo and "smoking" a cig, him wielding a martini shaker) sing the boozy duet Baby It's Cold Outside. The evening ended with a rousing rendition of Do They Know It's Christmas replete with audience participation.

The place was jammed. My sister and I were in the middle of this mixed-age pack, singing, dancing and clapping our hands even though hardly anyone else was joining in. That's one of the things I love about being my age...I get to ignore the dominant practices of public decorum. If I feel like singing along and dancing down the aisle to what's playing in the grocery store, I do it. It's all about lightening the hell up and having fun.

On the ride home, I actually started to feel a little bit better.

Friday was all about doing the Christmas lunch/presents thing with my dear KD Twisted Sisters. We convened at Beets' house, ate tons of tasty chow and polished off a huge bottle of champagne in our Mimosas. The tunes were festive, the gossip juicy, the liquor flowing. I was definitely starting to come around, but not quite there yet.

Saturday was a two-fer. Lunch and holiday shenanigans with my Card Club pals (for the record, we don't play cards--we eat, drink and go on vacation. we don't need no stinking cards). We do this crazy Yankee swap where you find the most hideous thing in your house, wrap it up all purty-like and then fight over them. It's great fun. Mood feeling lighter, but still a ways to go.

Part deux was a Caroling party with the neighbors. We've done this for the last several years now. We drink a little, parade around the neighborhood singing tidings of comfort and joy (to the discomfort of most folks) then return for some noshing and more liquid lubrication.

As an ex-Catholic, we rarely ever sang more than one verse of any song. I don't know..maybe it's some kind of concerted effort to get the folks out of church ASAP, but we just never sang other verses. So anyway, we're at a house singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing, when we get to the second verse:

Late in time behold him come
Offspring of the Virgin womb
Veiled in flesh the Godhead...WHAT?!?

What the?! What are we singing? Is this for real? These are really the lyrics? No wonder we only sang the first verse. That's somewhat disturbing. Let's never speak of it again.

As we were pondering what the heck that all meant, I heard someone behind me. There was a young man sneaking out of a dark car and running as though he was being chased by wolves into an equally dark house where upon he slammed the door with such force it shook the picture window. I swear he thought we were zombies come to munch on his brains, that's how much he did NOT want us to sing in front of his house.

Naturally we sang in front of his house.

We launched into Deck the Halls, in tune I might add. The door opened wide. A different, larger shadowy figure stood in the doorway.  

"Deck the Halls with Bows of Holly.. Fa La La La La  La La La--"

SLAM!!

He actually slammed the door on us. Seriously. What's up with that?

So we kept singing.

The door opened about six inches...

SLAM!!

I laughed so hard, I tinkled a little in my pants. Still we kept singing. We finished one song, sang another then bid Capt'n Curmudgeon a Merry freakin' Christmas.

And that my friends, is what restored the sparkle to my tarnished Holiday spirit.

Sure the friends, carols and liquor consumption certainly helped...a lot. But it was the outrageousness of that singular slamming door that put the bounce back in my step, the life in my lagging elan. I'm back, BABY!

So a tip of the hat to you, my cantankerous neighbor. For you have shown me the true meaning of Christmas. Humor.

Friday, December 19, 2008


Friday Photo #6 
recession? what recession?

There is this little house tucked away between two commercial buildings in the South Side whose owners feel compelled to completely cover it from top to bottom for each holiday. Christmas is kinda their High Holy Season. I'm not kidding. As you can see every inch of this puppy is draped in lights, Santas and blow-up crap. You can actually see it glowing when you drive by. It's a spectacle. Yes, but it is also my "guilty pleasure" spectacle. Every year I'm amazed by how much more is added. When I walked by last night, I swear I could hear the electric meter whirring like a chopper. 

To the owners, I salute you and your balls to flip the super finger at the crippled economy. Eat this recession. 

The big mystery is...where the hell do they store this sh*t?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Funniest Blog EVER!! 
or damn! why didn't i think of that? 

So Geo subscribes to this newsletter called Very Short List. It's a one pager that seeks out and shares some of the hottest and hippest stuff on the internet. Last week they featured the absolutely funniest blog EVER. 

It's called Fuck You, Penguin. He (I'm assuming it's written by a guy) finds a picture of an animal and just goes off on it. It's brilliant! So brilliant I wish I'd have thought of it first, but I could never be as clever and snarky to do these wild critters justice. 

I have become a devout follower. The verve with which he skewers these animals makes me laugh out loud daily. There is a direct link in the sidebar to join this dark side. Submit. Submit.

FU Penguin, whoever you are, I bow to your creative genius. Bravo, sir. Bravo.