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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

And Another Thing...
or somedays there's a lot to share

Okay, so lately I've had to stretch to find something to write about--hence the infrequency of posts. Then some days a pile of stuff happens each of which is screaming to be shared. Today (or yesterday, or last week, or last month depending on whenever the Hell I publish this) is that day.

So I get summoned into the control room this morning to have a book thrust at me titled "The Alphabet of Manliness" written by visionary author (his words) Maddox, a 27 year old, ex telemarketing programmer who happens to also have a website The subtitle of which reads "This page is about me and why everything I like is great. If you disagree with anything you find on this page, you are wrong."

OhMiGod! This tome is completely off-color and entirely un-PC. With a capital U-N. It is also flipping HILARIOUS!!

Our hours-before-the-crack-of-dawn show producer, Kelly claims she didn't buy this lovely bit of literature, but it was sent to her. Right. Whatever. It is a treasure of the most juvenile kind. There are so many great terms (pork sword and ass bouquet) and euphemisms I swear to Jehovah it was penned by my dearly-defected-to-the-nation's-wang buddy, KJo. It is soooo up his proverbial alley. It is replete with fractured factoids and elicit illustrations guaranteed to make fluids fly out your nose.

I'd like to read from this missive. (I realize I run the risk of some readers not finding the humor in this as I. So be it. You know me by now. This should be no surprise.)

"B is for Boners"

A chapter imparting a wealth of knowledge of all things stiff, not flacid. Besides including helpful tips (pun intended) about concealing one's boner--always cover it up with something i.e. a newspaper, book, family pet because bending over just calls attention to ones saluting soldier--he lists a handy-dandy trouser snake reference guide:

Sporting wood while shopping for a gun: straight
Sporting wood while shopping for a gun with your buddy: Straight
Sporting wood while shopping for a gun with your buddy while holding each others willy: Gay

"G is for Gas"
Apparently internal pressure is essential in the fine art of flatulence. The author believes the reason women can't sound off trailing bottom burps is we ladies can't shut our traps long enough to store up the proper pressure for epic tush tootelage. Contained Pressure = greater frequency of "fart ripples" or "fripples" = elongated braaaaapping = hours of enjoyment for your friends.

He identifies some classic farts:
Resident Evil- a fart so hideous no amount of fanning or deodorizers will make it go away. It clings to your clothes, hair, carpet. I think I wrote about that here.
A Fart from the Heart- Letting one fly in a romantic setting after uttering "There's something I've been meaning to tell you"
Dutch Oven-trapping your loved one under the covers after cutting an odiferous doozy in bed. That one's for you, Tooooooodd.

"H is for Hot Sauce"
All men like spicy food. The statement "I don't like spicy food" is a more verbose way of saying "I have a vagina".

"U is for Urinal Etiquette"
Rule #1: "Don't speak unless spoken to, and even then don't speak. In other words: hold your peace while you hold your piece."
Rule #2:

"No peeking or don't gawk at the cock. After a subject has witnessed the penis of another man standing at a urinal, things that once tasted good will taste bitter, video games will start to suck and he will eventually develop a taste for women's literature."

HaHaHaHaHaHa --*SNORT*

Alright...I'm not doing it justice. There's just too much juvenile humor packed into its 200 pages for me to process and share properly. Do your inner 12-year-old a favor and thumb through this tome. Don't make me unleash the "Scratch for Justice" on your keyboard.

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