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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I Think There's A Bounty On My Head
or why the insect world be hatin' on me?

Okay, so about a month ago I was driving to my Mom, Big Mar's house when something on the driver's side window caught my eye. It was a...


For those of you who know me well, you understand what an issue this is for me. I don't dig bugs in general, but Spiders.Freak.Me.OUT!! Seriously. I hatehateHATE them! Mainly I hate how they just...appear. Suddenly and without warning. They're like stealthy, furry eight-legged ninjas on a string. EEeeewww! *shudder*

Usually they choose the shower in which to ambush me during the wee wee hours of the morn. I'm minding my own business, rinsing the shampoo from my hair, open my eyes and--


Spider in the FACE...dangling a farging inch from my severely myopic eyes! Of course I try to make it scurry back up its silky thread by blowing on it. Logical, right?


The jagoff doesn't go up, but out--its hideous arachnid form swinging towards me at what seems like light speed, forcing me to bend backwards in a Neo/Matrix move. I've got shivers up my spine just thinking about it.

Wait...what was I talking about? Oh yeah. The spider on my car window. Correction. The spider on the INSIDE of my car window. Panicked, I roll down the window (thank you to whomever created auto windows) gathering the biggest, deepest breath an asthmatic can muster and blow the bastard out the window.

Relieved, I start to roll the window back up and BOING! The little f*cker flings back inside the car as if it's on a spring!?!

Holy CRAP!

Totally freaked I gathered breath from the bottom of my toes and shot the blast at the little freak, knocking him back out, zooming the window shut and leaving him hanging on the outside of the glass. All this while driving.


Then a couple of weeks ago, I was walking to the garage entrance at work when I was confronted by the Beast. A cockroach the size of a Smart Car was poised between me and the door...his antenna waving defensively.

He pulled a knife and lunged forward. I countered with a Kung fu drop-kick to his ribbed thorax, knocking the knife loose. The nimble minx sprung back up and charged. We wrestled. I finally pulled a gun and shot him. Exhausted, I left his oozing, lifeless hull on the concrete as a warning to the others.

Fast forward to this morning.

I'm driving to work hours before the crack of dawn when I notice something big fluttering in my rear view mirror. What the f..?? What?

At first I thought the critter in question was outside the car. Yeah, right. I should be so lucky. Clearly my winged nemesis was inside. I figured if I rolled the windows down I could blow his ginormous ass out. So down come all four windows. Now I drive slightly above the speed limit. *snort* Who am I kidding. I drive like a bat out of hell as evidenced in a past post here.

So now the gale-force winds blowing through the car are so powerful they're practically blowing my hair out by the roots and making my cheeks flap like an astronaut in a G-Force chamber. Surely that sucked the intruder out into the morning mist. I roll the windows up and try to flatten my tresses from their upright and locked position. Crisis averted.

Suddenly Mothra dive bombs my head, bouncing into the windshield. I'm not ashamed to say I let out a huge, girlie scream and swerved left. Not a good idea since I was in the left lane which is lined with Jersey barriers and, you know, I'm driving fast.

Mothra tries to grab the wheel. There's a struggle. Sparks are flying as we bounce off the Jersey barriers. I manage to elbow him in his dingly-dangs, shove his crumpled thorax out the window at 50 mph and watch his white-winged carcass get smaller in my rear view mirror.

"Yeah you're getting smaller in my rear view mirror..." (sorry. love that Old 97's song)

I'm starting to take these assaults personally. What is with all the juiced up bugs lately. Holy Crud. They're all hopped up on the roids and looking for a fight. Well I got news for you, Creepy Crawlers. Just cause I'm a girl y'all think you can take me. I may be uber squeamish and scream like a girl, but when push comes to shove and it's you or me...I'm bringing the hurt. It's ON!

Oh... it's ON, BABY!!

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