In Which I Discover My Second Career
Okay, so Friday was beauty day. Big Mar, Suzette and I piled in the car and headed to Angie's for our six week cut, color (or as I prefer to call it...natural color enhancement. yes. I am in denial. Don't judge me.) and in my case mustachio management. This last item is accomplished with gobs of chocolate scented wax.
Ponder that image a minute. Me...Brown wax...on my upper lip. Think about it. Totally looks like a "Dirty Sanchez". Ewwwwwwwww...
Suzette is the Mexican Hairless. I, on the other hand, have my share, her share, Tom Selleck's share of upper lip hair. I'm not kidding. If I didn't know I had girlie bits, I'D swear I was a man. Seriously. Those bloody bastard are already showing by the time I pull into the driveway.
So anywho, a couple months ago I was in the bathroom when the sun came through the window in such a way that highlighted my jaw line. Hmmmm. What is that? Blonde hair? But it wasn't just a rogue, wiry blonde hair or three. I've ripped those puppies out lots of times. No. This was more diabolical. It was a full-on, thick coat of one-half inch long blonde hair spanning one end of my jaw to the other. WTF?
I have a freaking BEARD!?!?!
When the Hell did this happen? I am officially a Yeti. A Sasquatch. The mysterious bi-pedal, fur covered, mono-syllabic beasty who eludes curious seekers in the deep woodlands.
I immediately took out Geo's electric razor and manscaped that baby. You would not believe the amount of fur I carved off my chin. Good Lord! I could have lined a pair of UGGs with that pile of felled follicles.
So now my cut and color includes a complete De-Yetification in which I resemble an Amish gent named Jedediah, what with the chocolate brown wax all up on my grill.
De-Yetification... That sounds like the title to a Lauren Hill record: "The De-Yetification of Murray Pops"
Well, at least now if I lose my job at the Special K, I know what my second career will be. I can join the rest of the carnival freaks, because I'm a shoe-in for the Bearded Lady.
"Step right up, folks...."