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Sunday, January 24, 2010

In Which I Discover My Second Career

Okay, so Friday was beauty day. Big Mar, Suzette and I piled in the car and headed to Angie's for our six week cut, color (or as I prefer to call it...natural color enhancement. yes. I am in denial. Don't judge me.) and in my case mustachio management. This last item is accomplished with gobs of chocolate scented wax.

Ponder that image a minute. Me...Brown wax...on my upper lip. Think about it. Totally looks like a "Dirty Sanchez". Ewwwwwwwww...

Moving on...

Suzette is the Mexican Hairless. I, on the other hand, have my share, her share, Tom Selleck's share of upper lip hair. I'm not kidding. If I didn't know I had girlie bits, I'D swear I was a man. Seriously. Those bloody bastard are already showing by the time I pull into the driveway.

So anywho, a couple months ago I was in the bathroom when the sun came through the window in such a way that highlighted my jaw line. Hmmmm. What is that? Blonde hair? But it wasn't just a rogue, wiry blonde hair or three. I've ripped those puppies out lots of times. No. This was more diabolical. It was a full-on, thick coat of one-half inch long blonde hair spanning one end of my jaw to the other. WTF?

I have a freaking BEARD!?!?!

When the Hell did this happen? I am officially a Yeti. A Sasquatch. The mysterious bi-pedal, fur covered, mono-syllabic beasty who eludes curious seekers in the deep woodlands.

Holy F*cking Crap!

I immediately took out Geo's electric razor and manscaped that baby. You would not believe the amount of fur I carved off my chin. Good Lord! I could have lined a pair of UGGs with that pile of felled follicles.

So now my cut and color includes a complete De-Yetification in which I resemble an Amish gent named Jedediah, what with the chocolate brown wax all up on my grill.

De-Yetification... That sounds like the title to a Lauren Hill record: "The De-Yetification of Murray Pops"

Well, at least now if I lose my job at the Special K, I know what my second career will be. I can join the rest of the carnival freaks, because I'm a shoe-in for the Bearded Lady.

"Step right up, folks...."

1 comment:

demoncat said...

the freak show went away a long time ago besides beughty is in the eye of the beholder. if nothing else you now have a new thing to share with geo fighting over who shaves faster for after all you caught the stray hairs before they got out of hand