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Saturday, July 10, 2010

In Which Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition Especially At The Gas Station?

Okay, so there are these things called "Fuel Perks". What it is is --wait, that looks really weird, doesn't it... "it is is"? Anywho-- What it is is for every $50 you spend at a certain grocery story, i.e. Giant Eagle, you earn 10 cents off each gallon of gasoline. The more you spend on groceries, the more you save at the pump. It's just another way to lure mindless lemmings like me to shop in their store. Honestly I think free cocktails dispensed at the checkout would work just as well on me. Besides, how fun would that be? Seriously. Somebody should get on that.

But I digress...

I needed gas...and my tank was empty, too. Budda Bing! It's all self-serve here in the lovely Commonwealth, so I drive my bad self on up to the pump and start the process, following the prompts on the read out:

Gas Pump: Do you have an Advantage Card?  yes or no

Me: Yes

GP: Please swipe your card

Me: *swipes card*

GP: You will save $.50 per gallon today. Would you like to use your fuel perks?  yes or no

Me: Hellz yeah!

GP: Please insert payment card

Me: Okay, but that's gonna hurt a little. Ha Ha! *Snort!* I crack myself up. *slides debit card*

GP: Debit or Credit

Me: Credito Muchacho

GP: Do you want a car wash? yes or no

Me: *sigh* No, thank you.

GP: Would you like a sandwich from our "Made to Order" counter? yes or no

Me: What? *bigger SIGH* NOoo

GP: Hot enough for ya today?  yes or no

Me: ???

GP: Is that your real hair color? yes or no

Me: Wait.. What did you say?

GP: Does this handle make my pump look big? yes or no

Me: *blink blink* Well, now that you mention it--

GP: Do you REALLY believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone? yes or no

Me: No, not at all, but...what the HELL does that have to do with filling my f**king tank?!?

GP: Nice. Do you kiss your Mother with that mouth?  yes or no

Me: *gasp* Maybe I'll kiss the side of your metal ASS with that sledge hammer I have in the back of the car!! (don't ask) What do you say to that, Smart Shit? huh?

GP: Ooooo. You're a feisty one. I like that. Would you like to go out for coffee? yes or no

Me: Wha..Grrrr.. DUDE! I just want to get some effing gasoline and get the Hell out of here before I turn 100!! Besides, pah-LEASE, you are totally NOT my type. Pffft!

GP: If I said you have a nice chest, would you hold it against me? yes or no

Me: What the EFFF?!?! Are you retarded? Did you not just hear what I said. What is with all the questions anyway? I've been standing here so long, I have cobwebs growing off of me! Come ON! You got my flipping credit card number, just start the damn pump already before I---
GP: Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! The manager's coming. Just act natural.

GP: Please choose grade and begin refueling

Me: * blink blink * (looks around in disbelief ) What the?!

(that last word was spoken through its little pointy, brown, rotting teeth. and dude, you need a breath mint--badly)

Me: *gives my best sideways skunk eye* You are one evil, evil bastard.

I am not making this up. Okay, maybe a little, but I swear to God by the time you pass the IQ test and get to the part where you can actually start filling your gas tank, you've taken another trip around the sun.

Ain't modern technology grand, and oh-so-convenient.


SandyU said...

*snort laugh*
And free cocktails at Giant Eagle? I've been to the one at Seven Fields a couple times when the adjoining state store is passing out free samples! Nice way to end a long trek through the grocery store...

demoncat said...

if the gas pump computer talked to me like that not only would i have demanded the free cocktail but would have taken the sledge hammer out and showed it what may happen if it did not start behaving.

Anonymous said...

Chief--My favorite at the Giant Eagle is the talking self-checkout aisle with that stilted, come-hither voice that entreats me to "Please move the conveyor belt." I'm tempted to shop intentionally for items that have provocative names so nearby customers will overhear the machine tell me things like "Please move your...super-lucious the conveyor belt."