or man's best friend
Okay, so Friday my work gal pal, Beets finally joined me in the land of the big 5-0. (Cue the big wave) In celebration we headed West to this ginormous outdoor flea market nearby in Ohio. There are all kinds of vendors unloading new and used merchandise, farmers peddling their freshly picked wares and food booths where you can buy turkey legs the size of your head to satisfy your inner Flintstone. No shit. The size of your f*cking HEAD!
Right Said, Fred!
|WTF?! Who the hell says "Oriental" anymore?|
|There is no way this abomination is going anywhere near my zip code|
and neither is that hideous dummy
I kid. I kid because I love
Anywho, several years ago a group of Chinese nationals started setting up shop throughout the venue in the form of countless boxes filled with worthy and worthless $1 items. Most of it is just shit, but still strangely compelling. Naturally their sections are always swarmed with gobs of Goobers in search of that perfect piece of lead-paint laden plastic whatzit that will change the course of their pathetic life... or at least a decent lighter for a buck. (btw, they sell ladies gutchies out of cardboard boxes. major ewwwwwwww!)
Being a Goober myself, I scanned around the unwashed masses, and there it was. The Holy Grail of useless flea market finds... the pot of gold-plated garbage at the end of the rainbow... the arc of the kitsch covenant...
Ladies and Gentlemen I give you ...
The Squeezy Rubber Boobie!!
A must have for any red-blooded American male who prefers breast over leg in both chicken and women. The consummate straight male pacifier. This malleable mammary is now the property of my ever-lovin' Geo... to keep him company when I'm away.
You know this thing might hold societal merit. I believe it has therapeutic powers. For instance, it could be a perfect way to stem road rage. Think about it. Instead of flipping the bird over the lunacy played out before him, a man could just reach out and squeeze his way to a clearer thought and gentler action. Because honestly, what Cat isn't calmer copping a feel?
Squeezy Rubber Boobies. Road tested, Doctor approved.