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Tuesday, April 14, 2015

In Which I'm Going Straight To Hell On The Back Of A Cheesy-ASS Epic

Okay, so last week was Easter Sunday, and ABC aired the long-ass, old-school, Biblical epic, The Ten Commandments. When I was a little nipper, the annual airing of Charleton Heston's abomination was a HUGE deal. We'd all sit in front of the our 36 inch color console and be in awe as Moses parted the red sea, turned the Nile blood-red and talked to a burning bush.

And no, I'm not talking about Lily Munster.

Hey- OOOO!

for thine magic staph

I could not WAIT for it to play every Easter. I thought it was da bomb, because when you're eight, you have taste for SHIT. As an adult, The Ten Commandments (and Ben Hur and Cleopatra) falls into the abysmal, mind-numbingly overacted, racist historical-hot-mess category. Pasty white folks passing themselves off as Egyptians... Hooka, PLEASE! Ain't no amount of brown makeup gonna make pearly-faced Ann Baxter into an arab beauty. Ridonkulous. There are no words strong enough to properly convey how hideously laughable I find this movie.

The only scene worth staying conscious for is Edward G. Robinson's gangsta delivery of

vomiting from your acting 

Meanwhile, back at my damnation...

So Geo and I are in Big Mar's living room slowly recovering from our food coma, when he turns on the TV to ... you guessed it, The Ten Commandments. It's the scene where Moses (still believed to be Egyptian) is signaling a crapton of slaves to raise a super phallic obelisk-ick (ex-be-alidosious) in front of the Pharaoh's pyramid. The scaffolding covering the underside of this dick-pic breaks away crushing hundreds of slaves, but hey, big high-fives all around in the owner's box safely tucked miles away.

Go Moses!

So, after all the back-patting and ignoring of dead Jews, the Pharaoh starts jumping on Moses' shit for being nice to the filthy underlings.

Pharaoh: So what's all this bullshit I hear from your whiny-ass, half-brother who has a striking resemblance to Yul Brenner, about you feeding the unwashed masses who do my petty bidding?

Moses: Well, yeah. They gotta eat. They stomp a lot of bricks, dude.

Pharaoh: What the Serious FUCK, Mo-Mo??!?

Moses: Strong men make many bricks. Sick men make few bricks. Dead men make NONE!*
*actual dialog

And that's when I looked at Geo and said, "comma... MOTHERFUCKER."

redundancy is my middle name

Seriously. How magnificent would it be if Moses punctuated every declarative with... MOTHERFUCKER.


Drops staff.

Backs away with arms wide, gangsta like.

"Come at me, Bro! I'm divinely intervened, asshole."

Big Mose dropping the MF bomb might actually make that turd watchable. If nothing else, it would make a great drinking game.

So naturally, I kept on with the embellishment, ad naseum because that's how I'm wired. My DNA demands I beat a dead horse for my own amusement, irritating all around me. After about the tenth time amending the dialog, Geo looks at me with weary eyes and says, "You realize this is a Biblical movie, right? You're going straight to Hell."


Directly. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

And then there's this gem a friend sent to seal my afterlife fate.

Don't stand too close to me. You might get singed.

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