My Heart Goes Out Isabel...

it's a hard world for the little things 

Sometimes life is cruel.

You know the Internet is a very strange and wonderful thing. Yes, it's generally a ginormous waste of time, but it also allows you to connect with people through this crazy blog 'o sphere whom you never would have met otherwise.

Last night I read some very sad news. One of my Internet blog "friends" (for lack of a better term), Isabel who was around 16 weeks pregnant, wrote she lost her baby. It broke my heart. I don't even really know her, except for what she has shared via her blog... but it broke my heart just the same.

She and the King (her husband) are blessed with their son, little Babboo who is maybe... three? Turns out she had two miscarriages prior to Babboo, and now the universe is forcing her to deal with a third. And this is the peculiar thing... because of her track record, she only spilled the beans about her pregnancy to her Mother and a few close friends, but she felt comfortable sharing her happy news with us readers. 

And now we all share in her sadness. 

She turned off the comments because she can't deal with the sympathy right now. I can respect that... and I totally get it.

You see years and years ago, Geo and I tried to have children. And although I never had to bear the grief of losing my child halfway through pregnancy, the return of my period every month was as painful as a white-hot sword thrust threw my heart. All around me were beautifully glowing women with round, fruitful bellies pushing a cavalcade of carriages filled with cooing cherubs. God...it was so painful, like being surrounded by some twisted clown-car, cruelly belching babies, constantly mocking me. Or so it felt.

For two years I wrongfully blamed Geo. He didn't deserve that. I was angry at him. I was angry at the world. I was angry with our friend's wife who was miffed she was having their FIFTH kid...  I was inconsolable. Nothing anyone said to me offered comfort. In fact, all the niceties and the "Don't worry, Honey. Having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be" really sort of pissed me off. The worst part is I KNOW Geo would have been such a fantastic Dad... far better than me as a Mom. Now he has to wait until his next lifetime to experience fatherhood. It sucks.

It's the only thing in my life I regret, but we made the best choice for us at the time. Fortunately, we made it through and became closer. I was able to put that enormous desire and disappointment aside and enjoy the life we have. It's a very good life, too--filled with love and laughter, friends and family... but I knew one day the sadness would hit me again. 

For the last couple of months I've been feeling really sad about being childless. Maybe it's the whole fact my eggs are drying up signifying the end of my baby-making days. Maybe it's the fact I'm home alone a lot and the house is sooo quiet. Maybe that's why I started writing this blog... to fill the gaping hole in my heart. I don't know.  Maybe I just need some Prozac and a cocktail chaser. Ha Ha! 

Hey! I'm still laughing. That's a good sign, right?

Sometimes Life just feels like kicking you in the nuts and leaving you in a crumpled mess on the side of the road with a dead cell phone, you know for grins. It's not fair, but you gotta get up, adjust your package and keep moving forward. I'll get over my mental mess in time.

To my Interweb friend, Isabel... during this difficult time may you be able to find solace in the arms of the King and comfort in the eyes of your darling Babboo. I'm rooting for you, sister. 

Bits And Pieces  

or random thoughts from an untidy mind 

Non-Sequitur #1:

Okay, so over the last week, several of my work friends have been saying all these nice things to me...about me. You know things like how much they appreciate my sense of humor, how they admire the way I relate to my co-workers and make our PTL guests feel at home, how I'm "always upbeat and fun to be around"...

Seriously. 

Like just today I had lunch with a bud who's hoping to retire early next year. He wanted me to know how much he appreciated all I'd done for him and how much he enjoyed working with me. 

While it's always lovely to know people care about you and don't think you suck to be around, I have to wonder...do I have a brain tumor (or as Arnold Schwarzenegger would say...tumah) or some other such ailment I don't know about? Really. What's up with this?

Non-Sequitur #2:

Okay, so let me start out by saying I'm not a buxom lass. Pretty average, truth be told. Anyway, we have this medicine cabinet with two doors, the larger of which is three times the size of the smaller one. I open this larger door at least...I don't know...seven times a day. Last night when I went to close the door, it was like my right boob suddenly became possessed by Pam Anderson's plastic surgeon, magically expanded to twice its size and leapt forward to get caught in the door. 

Damn!?

Kinda like one of those squeezy stress toys where the eyes pop out, except it was a mammary magnification. Weird. 

Non-Sequitur #3:

So I was reading FU, Penguin yesterday, opened the comments and stumbled upon an entry from another blogger FU, FU Penguin. It's a blog where the animals pictured in the original FU, Penguin trash talk back. You can check it out here. You may also notice it is a new listing on my sidebar. Naturally, I fell in love with this site and became a follower...because excessive  swearing and absurdity is apparently how I roll these days. 

Checking out the list of nine followers on FU, FU Penguin, I stumbled upon a blogger whose name piqued my interest, Hey Lola. Turns out she's a pretty hilarious and clever writer. Hey, anyone who's subtitle is "It's just chaos" has got to be fun, right? Well, she is. I'm following her, too. You can find her in the sidebar as well. 

You know, between Hey Lola, Hola Isabel and Innocent Bystander, I'm starting to feel pretty inadequate in this whole blogging arena. Perhaps I should stop searching out better bloggers before I end up in the corner, tucked in a fetal position, rocking myself back and forth crying out for the comfort of my blue blankey. As someone's boozy Mom might say, "Oh Honey! Pull down your skirt. Your insecurity is showing." 

Ah, but then again, who the hell reads this shit anyway.

Obsession Loves Company

validating my love affair with Rhett Miller

Okay...at the risk of having Geo roll his eyes completely out of their sockets from disgust, I've found a kindred spirit in my whole (she said "hole") rampant love-for-all-things-Rhett obsession. Her web name is Hola, Isabel! and she is a self-proclaimed stalker Mom. Added bonus--she's funny! There are a couple entries centered around the velvet-tongued boy with the deep blue eyes worth a read Here and Here. She seems like any normal, married woman with children, so there.

Oooo. I am so diggin' this LINK thang! I'm going to have to start linking to just random crap for the halibut. (OMFG! You must, MUST click on that last link. My bud, Beets would love it!) Holy Dingly-Dangs! There are literally over 82 million entries on the internet involving the word "crap"!?! Wow. Who knew? (BTW that last link is for comic lovers.) But I digress....

Back on topic, Geo and I are going to see my fantasy second husband over vacation in December...the gushing will continue ad nausea upon my return--hopefully with photos, perhaps a video and a fun story or two. And maybe an autographed barf bag for Geo. :D