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Monday, September 13, 2010


Jesus H Key-Rist!!!

GPSs. I love them. I loathe them.

For the third time now, Felicity the British bird who voices our GPS, (yes. we named our GPS. i know. dorksville.) went off her nutter and sent us in circles around the outskirts of all places, York, PA. This trip had her sending us off then back on the same highway for no discernible reason except to explicitly engage us in some sadistic version of Simon Says.

"Simon Says take slip road on right"
"Simon Says take next exit on left"
"Simon Says back on the highway from whence you came" (she is British after all)
"Simon Says HAHA! You are one gullible wanker!" (again with the British bullshit)

This time around I clicked on the theater address as our next destination.

I swear to God I did.

I know I did.

Ask Geo. He's my witness. I would bet my last pair of comfy, to-die-for summer sandals that I did, and you know how a girl and her favorite footwear are NEVER parted. Yet, that saucy strumpet sent us on a random spin around the block right back to our starting point for the second time that day.


Frustrating, but mild compared to the last time.

The last time she felt devilish, we ended up bashing into the back of a van of Chinese nationals. Nice.

this bistro is Zombie friendly
how open minded of them
We were driving back from Lawng Island to New Jersey. Felicity sent us through Manhattan to the Holland Tunnel. A mere 1.2 mile trek...that took an hour and a half!?! I'm not kidding. I could have got out and walked to New Jersey faster. Seriously. I could have done a little shopping... had a drink and a nosh... walked a few dogs and still picked up Geo a scad four blocks further along.

Frustration, thy name is Saturday Manhattan Crosstown Traffic.

Alas, I dutifully stayed in the car trying to be a positive distraction from the soul-sucking snail's pace in which we found ourselves. Gazing out through the sunroof, I discovered a pretty cool perspective of the neighborhood surrounding us.

 There are so many beautiful images around us that none of us sees because we rarely take the time to look up. I would never have noticed this gorgeous fire escape had it not been for the traffic and sunroof.

So at least there's that, right? I may actually start a collection of photos entitled "Through the Roof" inspired by our long, tedious journey.

Anywho, we finally broke free and sailed through the tunnel to New Jersey, where Felicity promptly took us off the highway only to declare "Psyche!!" and send us right back to the on ramp. And that's when it happened.

The van started to merge, we followed, they stopped for reasons known only to them, we, uh...didn't.


Next thing we know the guy's out of the car, holding his neck and pointing at his bumper which by the way, didn't have a noticeable mark on it. Geo was stuck in the car because it was nigh impossible for him to get out without getting creamed by speeding cars driven by oh-so considerate people shouting helpful messages like "learn to drive, you fucking asshole!" because, you know, our goal for the day was to purposely block the right lane of an uber busy highway in Northern New Jersey for absolutely no reason at all and stand around with our fingers up our behinds waiting for the cops to show up just for grins because we thought it would be fun and endear us to Jersey drivers who are known worldwide for their compassion and patience. Buttheads.
Highway 1/9
If you put your ear to the computer screen you can still hear
drivers screaming "Get outta da way, you stupid hump!"
Wait...where was I going with this? Oh yeah. So here's the best part. While we were waiting for the cops to finish their donuts, take a dump, call their bookies, make plans for dinner and book a flight to Reno before they show up, Mr. Chinaman strolls over to me standing on the curb, and in his best broken Engrish suggests we give him some money and he'll go away.


Who knew Mr. Wang had a pair.

I say no, of course, but then my curiosity gets the best of me. Mr. W can't formulate a number, but I stroll over to Geo who's still trapped in the car and tell him what went down.

Have you ever seen videos of a crazed wild animal locked in a very small cage, flipping out, banging around from side to side? That was totally Geo. He was spitting fire and rocking the Hell out of our car. I swear he moved Rita an extra foot into oncoming traffic. I wish I had a video of it. Hilarious! Not then, mind you, but now. Absolutely hilarious!!

So anywho, the cop finally comes...yadda yadda yadda. We haven't heard a peep from the Chinese Van Man and his gaggle of ladies. Chalk another adventure up in the travels column.

The GPS is a brilliant piece of technology. It has saved us a number of times in a number of unfamiliar towns by leading us to food, gas and lodging in the middle of the night. We'd be lost without it, but really it should have a "don't f*ck with me today" button because some days the last thing you need is a cheeky electronic device dicking with you, even if she does have a fetching English accent.


Anonymous said...

This had me gasping for air from laughing so hard. You have a way, that's for sure!

Murray said...

I love how you get me, Les. Glad I could provide a guffaw or two.